Have you ever wondered how the Mindreader would read if it were written in Jive?  Now, thanks to Gizoogle, you can have the Mindreader translated into Jive.

A few samples:

This particizzles referral led back ta a thread on an internet forum fo` Michigan State Spartan fans. The thread was started by a posta named Drug Deala fo` reasons known only ta nobody, he posted `bout a meth lab raid in whizzay he had participated fo my bling bling. You’d thizzink this would have nuttin’ ta do wit me, rizzay?

(Original post.)

On Saturday, Great Lakes Miznyth Society nDave Boutette played a shizzay in a barn wizzay of Dexta; I enjoy concerts more if I have tha opportunity ta takes a few pictures, so I took mah camera ta tha bizzarn shizzow like this and like that and like this and uh.

(Original post.)

And it is mah hope T-H-to-tha-izzat tha Friends of Belle Isle Aquarium wizzay someday manage ta reopen tha island’s aquarium fo’ real. I was able ta visit it before tha city shuttered it due ta budget problems, n I hope ta be able ta visit it again cuz its a G thang.

(Original post.)

 In tha first game, Chelsea defeated Melvindizzle 14-0; in tha second game, Chelsea faced familiar SEC foe Tecumseh. In a fast-mov’n defensive game, Tecumseh held a 1-0 lead brotha six ballin’. Thiznen, in tha top of tha seventh inn’n, Chelsea loaded tha bases wit no outs, n senior first baseman Zach Leszczynski — play’n through a hand injury suffered in last Saturday’s district final — stepped up ta tha plate so you betta run and grab yo glock.

(Original post.)

Truly, this must be what the internet is for.

A few weeks ago, I was thoroughly amused to find a Russian skiing forum wondering if I was a one-legged skier. But while that was good comedy from my perspective, I have stumbled onto more comedy in my site referrals. And this time, it’s in English.

This particular referral led back to a thread on an internet forum for Michigan State Spartan fans. The thread was started by a poster named SpartanOfficer; for reasons known only to nobody, he posted about a meth lab raid in which he had participated. You’d think this would have nothing to do with me, right?

Wrong. After all, we’re dealing with the alternate universe of MSU fans.

A few posts into the thread, another forum member posted a picture of me — Sgt. Wolverine — and the friendly UM Army guy, and he garnished it with this snarky question: “Two of the perpetrators?”

And it didn’t stop there. Not only was I operating a meth lab — and you all thought I was going into the photography business! — but it seems that before I opened my meth lab, I was the lead singer for the Spin Doctors.

(I am definitely on the cover of Rolling Stone.)

So, to review, in the last month, the internet has taught me three things about myself:

1. I am a one-legged skier
2. Until recently, I operated a meth lab
3. I am Chris Barron, the lead singer of the Spin Doctors

And now I’m wondering: first I looked like Josh Blue, now I look like Chris Barron … who could be next?

It seems the government has finally joined the your mom joke movement:

Better late than never, I suppose.

Over my twenty-some years of walking like a drunken sailor, my odd gait has attracted the attention of many children. (Adults notice it, too, but they make amusing — and frequently unsuccessful — efforts to stare tactfully. Helpful tip: either stare or be tactful.) Since I’m used to collecting stares like a good-looking cliche at a dime novel authors convention, I’m not bothered by the gazes of curious children; however, I am always interested to hear the child’s reaction after I pass by. And that reaction is typically quite audible.

Children have a loud voice, set somewhere between “fire alarm” and “Don King,” that is reserved for the most embarrassing public questions and observations; my favorite personal experience with this voice occurred several years ago.

I was walking down an aisle in the local grocery store, and I walked past a woman and her young — perhaps 3 or 4 years old — daughter. The daughter gave me the usual you-ain’t-right gaze as I approached, but she said nothing as I passed. But when I reached the end of the aisle, to my amusement, I heard her voice ring out loud and clear: “Mama! That man is walkin’ so funny!”

Also several years ago, but not because of my gait, I started letting my goatee grow. I don’t remember my reason for allowing my urban chin sprawl, or if I even had a reason; I just know that it has embraced the freedom I’ve given it, and it is now just over seven inches long. So, thanks to both its length and its eye-catching reddish color, my chinmuff has become a bit of a conversation piece. Still, my gait is an aberration that is of more interest to curious children.

Or so I thought.

Just the other day, I was walking through my local Meijer. I walked past a father and his three kids; two of the kids were young enough to ride in the cart, but one little boy — perhaps four or five years old — was walking. He kept his eyes on me as we passed, and as usual, I kept my ears open in case he had an amusing comment to make. And he did … but not on the usual topic. As I continued down the aisle, I heard the little boy inform his father, “That man has a big beard!”

So now my goatee is more than just chinsulation; it’s chaff.