In another move to eliminate all potential sources of perceived harm to children, U.S. schools are beginning to ban tag. The game. The one that, apparently, has damaged millions of children in previous generations. But now, thankfully, we know better: physical activity that involves actual minor physical contact is deeply harmful to children.

Wait, no, strike that. Actually, schools are banning tag not out of fear of injuries, but out of fear of lawsuits spawned by injuries. It seems bumps and bruises scare school adminstrators largely because they may be accompanied by an angry parent’s lawyer.

To alleviate this fear of parents, administrators are requiring kids to develop a non-contact version of game. That’s right: non-contact tag. “What we require is that children do not touch each other,” said one principal.

In the wake of non-contact tag, other games are being altered for safety:

• Baseball will no longer include bats or baserunners
• Four-square players must first obtain permission from the other players before releasing the ball
• Hide-and-seek will require hiding players to remain in plain sight
• Basketball will feature baskets no more than 2.5 feet above the floor, and players’ movement and shooting may in no way be impeded by other players (per NBA rules)
• Flag football will be replaced by Madden 2007