On Sunday, the Stronghold hosted a hayride and cookout. As usual, the cookout was supplemented by 2-liters of carbonated beverages; as usual, the beverage pattern of American cookout history was sustained.
My experiences with cookouts and other gatherings are fairly consistent: someone who does not like regular carbonated beverages believes that there are many others who feel the same way; this results in the misguided purchase and unfortunate donation of beverages such as Diet Coke. Sunday was no exception. Someone stubbornly ignored the abundant lessons of American cookout history and brought Diet Coke and caffeine-free Diet Coke; as usual, those two comprised the majority of the beverages the crowd did not finish. When the guests departed, we were left with three 2-liters of carbonated beverages:
- Sprite (mostly full)
- Diet Coke (over half-full)
- Caffeine-free Diet Coke (mostly full)
Even though the relevant orphaned beverages are curiously distasteful “diet” beverages, it is still a waste of perfectly good carbonation. So, in the spirit of carbonation conservation, this fresh confirmation of the popular disdain for diet beverages at social gatherings leads me to propose a new rule. Let’s call it the:
No Aftertaste Left Behind Declaration
If at any time in your life you are asked to contribute carbonated beverages to a social gathering, and
If you possess a remarkable disposition that prevents you from ingesting standard carbonated beverages such as Coca-Cola Classic, Pepsi-Cola, Mountain Dew or Dr Pepper, instead opting for fundamentally altered varieties of those beverages, such as Diet Coke, Diet Pepsi, Diet Mountain Dew or Diet Dr Pepper, and
If, in the process of purchasing the requested beverages, you feel compelled to indulge your taste for the starkly misnomered “diet” carbonated beverages, despite the overwhelming weight of historical evidence against the assumed popularity of such beverages at social gatherings, then
We, the people of the Standard Carbonated Beverages Coalition, hereby implore you to supplement your diet beverages with a dose of realism;
We, the people who must hear the pitiful cries of the nearly-untouched bottle of Diet Coke as we fill our disposable cups with Coca-Cola Classic, beg you to end the relentless waste of fundamentally altered carbonated beverages.
To that end, we hereby declare that purchases of such beverages for social gatherings are permissible only if:
- The beverage does not exceed twenty (20) ounces in size, and is intended only for personal use, or
- The purchaser of the oversized beverage agrees to remove all remnants of said beverages upon his or her departure from the site of the gathering.
Your immediate and enduring compliance with this compassionate measure is requested and appreciated.
Man Law!!
What about Sprite and fruit flavors like Orange?
Sprite is a gray area; it doesn’t disappear at the rate of something like regular Coke, but it’s a bit more universal than diet pops. I know it’s not my first choice, but it’s nowhere near my last choice. I just don’t think I can include Sprite in the NALB because I suspect many people will drink it before they’ll drink something like Diet Coke.
Other flavors tend to be more niche drinks with fairly limited appeal, but they’re also not commonly included in the typical social gathering beverage rotation. On the other hand, diet pops make frequent appearances.
Personally, I’m a huge fan of caffinee-free Mountain Dew. (Yes, I realize that defeats the purpose of drinking Mountain Dew.) Where does that fall in your rule?
Caffeine-free Mountain Dew? That brings to mind a quote: “Peanut butter no jelly? Ham no burger?” Next thing you know you’ll be drinking stimulant-free Red Bull.
I would like to add:
A M E N !
Two things.
1) Stronghold. Is this the equivalent of household? Insert “lastname”hold?
2) You are passionate about your pops sir! Who drinks 2-litre anymore anyways? I mean… we the American people like to be individuals and like to have our own serving glass. You should add that to your list. NO 2-LITRES GOOD PEOPLE!
1)Yeah, that’s the idea. Stronghold is an especially good option because it’s so very Biblical. My parents have used the term for as long as I can remember. I still put it in the Christmas cards I make.
2)I’m not so much passionate about my pops as I am about not drinking things that taste bad. This is why I avoid alcohol and diet pop: I can’t stand the taste of either. That said, I’m on board with the no 2-liter rule…unless everybody gets his own 2-liter. Then it would fit the individual serving container rule, right?
2a)Litre? What are you, Canadian or something? You might have spent too much time near the Canadian border.