01 June (2005)
If Nothing Is Written, Nothing Will Be Written, or
I Write What I Write, Whatever I Write

I love to listen to sports figures try to talk without saying anything. It’s like listening to politicians, except the subject matter is a game. The most typical non-answers come during the ridiculous halftime interviews, when coaches say things like, “Well, we need to score more,” or, “We need to make some stops.” Other non-answers come during press conferences when the coach is being pressed to make a decision (such as naming a starter) and he doesn’t want to reveal his decision (or he just doesn’t want to make one yet).

One of my favorite examples of sportspeak came from that type of situation, and it was uttered by Michigan football coach Lloyd Carr. In addressing a question concerning the quarterback situation one year, he said:

“If nothing changes, nothing will change.”

Of course, as Ben Wallace of the Detroit Pistons recently demonstrated, coaches aren’t the only people who know sportspeak. Players can speak the language, too. Wallace was being questioned about the rumors of Pistons coach Larry Brown’s decision to accept a front office job with Cleveland. (Brown has testily denied such rumors.) In answering the questions, Wallace said:

“It is what it is, whatever it is. Do I believe the rumors? It is what it is.”

Don’t you feel so informed now? If nothing changes, nothing will change, and it is what it is, whatever it is.