Freshmen: d. Lincoln 52-14
JV: d. Lincoln 41-35
Varsity: 4-1 (1-1 SEC White)

Varsity 2008 vs. Lincoln: 42-8w

Week 5 brought to Jerry Niehaus Field the Lincoln Railsplitters, a team that had the potential to be either a panacea or a problem.  With the Bulldogs’ week 4 loss to Adrian still fresh in their minds, a game against a historically weak program like Lincoln could prove to be a welcome outlet for the previous week’s frustrations; however, the Railsplitters yet again brought Andrew Dillon, their perennially terrifying quarterback with a well-documented ability to Slap Chop defenses into scrumptious yardage garnishes and tasty touchdown toppings.  Chelsea’s last loss to Lincoln occurred in 1997, which also happened to be Chelsea’s last losing season, but…Dillon, man.  Dillon.

With a little Miracle-Gro, they’ll make fine varsity football players.

The band chose door number C.

The forecast?  Partly cloudy with a chance of cheerleaders.

Wait…why are Nick Hill’s teammates chasing him?

In addition to Dillon’s discomfiting prolificacy, there was another reason to be concerned about Lincoln’s problem potential: the Railsplitters were coming off two consecutive wins, something that hadn’t happened since 1998.  That made the week 5 game a battle between Chelsea’s anger and Lincoln’s happiness, sort of like a battle between Nirvana and the B-52’s but without the angst-ridden drama and Fran Drescher-like shrillness.  I know that sounds inconceivably unbearable, but don’t worry: there’s no soundtrack to this football game.  In any case, between future Green Machine Nick Hill and Slap Chop Dillon, many fans expected the press box staff to be busy frantically adding points to both sides of the scoreboard.

Is that Chris Spielman he’s blocking?  No…probably not.

He’s going to make the tackle!

On second thought…

…No, no he’s not.

Nirva…uh, I mean, Chelsea received the ball to start the game, and the first drive was no surprise to anybody: Nick Hill carried the ball on seven of the drive’s ten plays, gained 47 of the drive’s 64 yards, and scored one of the drive’s one touchdowns.  Likewise, Lincoln’s first drive was no surprise to anybody: Andrew Dillon carried or threw the ball on 12 of the drive’s 14 plays and scored one of the drive’s one touchdowns.  But the extra point didn’t Railsplit the uprights — oh, come on, you saw that one coming — so Chelsea still held a one-point lead.

Alex Cuper would make a tackle for a Klondike Bar.

Cal Bauer vs. Andrew Dillon: Bauer wins.  Obviously.

Here, Brian Paulsen is handing the ball to Chelsea’s invisible running back.

After the completely predictable scoring drives, each team broke tendencies by…punting?  Whoa.  That was weird.  Are there points associated with punts?  No?  Well…okay.  Just don’t let it happen again.  And not only did the Bulldogs not let it happen again, but they didn’t let it happen again very quickly: on the fourth play after Lincoln’s punt, Hill took the ball 54 yards for a touchdown.  That brief scoring drive unleashed a flurry of second-quarter touchdowns by Chelsea:

• A 42-yard Jesse Forner run set up another Hill touchdown
• A two-yard punt — yes, you read that right — set up another Hill touchdown
• A Brandon French interception set up Hill for his fifth touchdown of the half, giving Chelsea a 35-6 halftime lead

All told, Chelsea totaled four scores in eight minutes, a feat whose description sounds vaguely Lincolnian — Alanis thinks that’s ironic — and which prompted the Railsplitter coach to deliver this halftime speech that may or may not be a completely fictional speech I heard with my own two imaginations:

“Four score and eight minutes ago, our fathers brought forth on this field a competitive football game, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that both teams have a chance to win.  Now we are engaged in a great blowout, testing whether that football game, or any football game so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure.”

Fortunately, Brandon French didn’t lose his head during this tackle.

Jesse Forner was perplexed to find Lincoln playing watch football instead of tackle football.

Five!  Five dollar!  Five dollar football!

With that stirring Niehausburg Address on the books, the second half quickly looked much like the second quarter: Lincoln punted the ball away, and after a 41-yard Mason Borders catch set up Chelsea at the three yard line, Brian Bazydlo picked up where Hill left off with a touchdown run.  But after another set of punts, the streak of 35 consecutive Chelsea points ended early in the fourth quarter when Lincoln kicked a field goal to trim the Bulldogs’ lead to 33.

Brian Bazydlo appreciates your input, but he’s going to score anyway.

“Hey, is that a Gucci belt?  Can I look at it?”

Megan Fox has yet to comment on these allegations.

Though that gasp proved to be the Railsplitters’ last, the Bulldogs weren’t content to let them write the final entry on the scoreboard; after a drive featuring large doses of James Rebuldella, Tyler Frank scored the game’s last touchdown on a 14-yard run.  Lincoln’s last possession fell victim to an expiring clock, and the Bulldogs put themselves back in a winning mood with a 49-9 victory.

Odds & Ends

• The Railsplitters dominated the battle of time of possession, holding the ball for nearly 33 of the game’s 48 minutes, but they still lost by 40 points.  How did that happen?  First: Lincoln’s two scoring drives consumed more than 13 minutes.  Second: five of Chelsea’s seven scoring drives consumed less than a minute each.  Specifically, it took only 2:58 of possession time to score those five touchdowns.

Next Week:
Chelsea faces the Indians of Tecumseh; the game is in Tecumseh on Friday at 7:00PM.