Freshmen: d. Lincoln 52-14
JV: d. Lincoln 41-35
Varsity: 4-1 (1-1 SEC White)

Varsity 2008 vs. Lincoln: 42-8w

Week 5 brought to Jerry Niehaus Field the Lincoln Railsplitters, a team that had the potential to be either a panacea or a problem.  With the Bulldogs’ week 4 loss to Adrian still fresh in their minds, a game against a historically weak program like Lincoln could prove to be a welcome outlet for the previous week’s frustrations; however, the Railsplitters yet again brought Andrew Dillon, their perennially terrifying quarterback with a well-documented ability to Slap Chop defenses into scrumptious yardage garnishes and tasty touchdown toppings.  Chelsea’s last loss to Lincoln occurred in 1997, which also happened to be Chelsea’s last losing season, but…Dillon, man.  Dillon.

With a little Miracle-Gro, they’ll make fine varsity football players.

The band chose door number C.

The forecast?  Partly cloudy with a chance of cheerleaders.

Wait…why are Nick Hill’s teammates chasing him?

In addition to Dillon’s discomfiting prolificacy, there was another reason to be concerned about Lincoln’s problem potential: the Railsplitters were coming off two consecutive wins, something that hadn’t happened since 1998.  That made the week 5 game a battle between Chelsea’s anger and Lincoln’s happiness, sort of like a battle between Nirvana and the B-52’s but without the angst-ridden drama and Fran Drescher-like shrillness.  I know that sounds inconceivably unbearable, but don’t worry: there’s no soundtrack to this football game.  In any case, between future Green Machine Nick Hill and Slap Chop Dillon, many fans expected the press box staff to be busy frantically adding points to both sides of the scoreboard.

Is that Chris Spielman he’s blocking?  No…probably not.

He’s going to make the tackle!

On second thought…

…No, no he’s not.

Nirva…uh, I mean, Chelsea received the ball to start the game, and the first drive was no surprise to anybody: Nick Hill carried the ball on seven of the drive’s ten plays, gained 47 of the drive’s 64 yards, and scored one of the drive’s one touchdowns.  Likewise, Lincoln’s first drive was no surprise to anybody: Andrew Dillon carried or threw the ball on 12 of the drive’s 14 plays and scored one of the drive’s one touchdowns.  But the extra point didn’t Railsplit the uprights — oh, come on, you saw that one coming — so Chelsea still held a one-point lead.

Alex Cuper would make a tackle for a Klondike Bar.

Cal Bauer vs. Andrew Dillon: Bauer wins.  Obviously.

Here, Brian Paulsen is handing the ball to Chelsea’s invisible running back.

After the completely predictable scoring drives, each team broke tendencies by…punting?  Whoa.  That was weird.  Are there points associated with punts?  No?  Well…okay.  Just don’t let it happen again.  And not only did the Bulldogs not let it happen again, but they didn’t let it happen again very quickly: on the fourth play after Lincoln’s punt, Hill took the ball 54 yards for a touchdown.  That brief scoring drive unleashed a flurry of second-quarter touchdowns by Chelsea:

• A 42-yard Jesse Forner run set up another Hill touchdown
• A two-yard punt — yes, you read that right — set up another Hill touchdown
• A Brandon French interception set up Hill for his fifth touchdown of the half, giving Chelsea a 35-6 halftime lead

All told, Chelsea totaled four scores in eight minutes, a feat whose description sounds vaguely Lincolnian — Alanis thinks that’s ironic — and which prompted the Railsplitter coach to deliver this halftime speech that may or may not be a completely fictional speech I heard with my own two imaginations:

“Four score and eight minutes ago, our fathers brought forth on this field a competitive football game, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that both teams have a chance to win.  Now we are engaged in a great blowout, testing whether that football game, or any football game so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure.”

Fortunately, Brandon French didn’t lose his head during this tackle.

Jesse Forner was perplexed to find Lincoln playing watch football instead of tackle football.

Five!  Five dollar!  Five dollar football!

With that stirring Niehausburg Address on the books, the second half quickly looked much like the second quarter: Lincoln punted the ball away, and after a 41-yard Mason Borders catch set up Chelsea at the three yard line, Brian Bazydlo picked up where Hill left off with a touchdown run.  But after another set of punts, the streak of 35 consecutive Chelsea points ended early in the fourth quarter when Lincoln kicked a field goal to trim the Bulldogs’ lead to 33.

Brian Bazydlo appreciates your input, but he’s going to score anyway.

“Hey, is that a Gucci belt?  Can I look at it?”

Megan Fox has yet to comment on these allegations.

Though that gasp proved to be the Railsplitters’ last, the Bulldogs weren’t content to let them write the final entry on the scoreboard; after a drive featuring large doses of James Rebuldella, Tyler Frank scored the game’s last touchdown on a 14-yard run.  Lincoln’s last possession fell victim to an expiring clock, and the Bulldogs put themselves back in a winning mood with a 49-9 victory.

Odds & Ends

• The Railsplitters dominated the battle of time of possession, holding the ball for nearly 33 of the game’s 48 minutes, but they still lost by 40 points.  How did that happen?  First: Lincoln’s two scoring drives consumed more than 13 minutes.  Second: five of Chelsea’s seven scoring drives consumed less than a minute each.  Specifically, it took only 2:58 of possession time to score those five touchdowns.

Next Week:
Chelsea faces the Indians of Tecumseh; the game is in Tecumseh on Friday at 7:00PM.

Freshmen: d. Adrian 49-42
JV: d. by Adrian 13-19
Varsity: 3-1 (0-1 SEC White)

Varsity 2008 vs. Adrian: 41-31w

The SEC’s rampant expansion and realignment wrought yet another change to Chelsea’s world: Adrian, a burgeoning rival of the Bulldogs, moved from the big-boned SEC Red to the svelte SEC White, making the Maples a direct conference rival.  That meant Chelsea’s week 4 encounter with Adrian wasn’t just a game featuring two of the SEC’s better teams; in Adrian’s first season in the SEC White, it was a clash of two of the favorites to win the division.  Seriously, it was a big game: though more than half the season still remained, this game promised to go a long way in deciding the SEC White champion.  A game of that magnitude might have attracted bushels and pecks of hype, but since this particular Game of Awesome didn’t involve a team from Ann Arbor, four or maybe five people outside Chelsea and Adrian knew there was a game.

Chelsea entered the game undefeated, but Adrian didn’t have such good fortune: the Leaves fell to Saline in overtime in their week 2 non-conference conference game.  But the schedule smiled on Adrian following that loss by providing a week 3 stress ball in the form of perennially hapless Dexter, and a convincing victory put the Fronds back in a winning mindset just in time for their trip to Jerry Niehaus Field.

“Good game…good game…good game…good game…”

How powerful is Blake Blaha?  When he does jumping jacks, the earth tilts.

All Coach Bush said was, “Who wants a fist bump?”

Despite its extraordinary amount of almost-hype, the game started just like every other game: with a kickoff.  This particular kickoff landed in the arms of a Not-Toronto Leaf, a fact Chelsea regretted when, twelve plays and 78 yards later, Adrian took a 7-0 lead.  After a Chelsea punt, the Maples had hopes of staging another lengthy scoring drive; however, they forgot one minor detail: scoring requires possession.  The Fronds handed the ball back to Chelsea by way of a fumble only three plays into the drive, a mistake they regretted when, on the very next play, the Bulldog offense went one and WOOOOO! with a Nick Hill twenty yard touchdown run.

With the score evened and the scores odd, the Chelsea defense dug in its heels and forced a three and out.  That set up a 37-yard catch by Chris Ballow, which set up a 14-yard catch by Ballow, which set up a 26-yard touchdown run by Hill to give the Bulldogs their first lead of the game.  A missed extra point limited the lead to six points, but a lead is a superiority is an ascendancy, so I wasn’t complaining.  The local happiness continued with another Adrian three and out — or, as the cool kids call it, a throut — and Charlie Hess finished a drive with a 29-yard field goal to extend the lead to 16-7.

This is totally going on YouTube.

No, Dakota Cooley isn’t angry with you.  Not yet, anyway.

A Dakota Cooley interception prompted further optimism, but the ensuing drive ended in a punt, and that led to trouble for the Bulldogs.  Buoyed by good field position and the scent of touchdowns in the cool autumn air, the Leaves strolled down the field and scored with only seventeen seconds left in the half.  Chelsea’s lead was down to a mere two, and as halftime loomed, it was obvious: the SEC White Game of Awesome was indeed proving to be awesome.

Scott Devol has always been the affectionate type.

Is Brian Paulsen purposely posing like the Statue of Liberty?  Nobody knows.

Chelsea received the second half kick with intentions of replicating Adrian’s first drive, but fourth and long tends to get in the way of that sort of thing.  And when the punt team took the field, the Bulldogs suffered from the first of their two Blue Screens of Death: the snap sailed over punter Nate Udell’s head, giving the Fronds possession inside Chelsea’s 20.  The Bulldog defense stood tall, holding Adrian out of the end zone, but the damage was done: the Maples reclaimed the lead with a short field goal.

Irked by the essentially free points they’d just handed Adrian, Chelsea put together a 13-play, 87-yard drive and emphatically snatched back the lead with a one-yard touchdown run by Brian Paulsen.  Another missed extra point held the lead at five, but it didn’t seem to be a big deal; after another Adrian throut, the Bulldogs made the Maple defense look practically invisible as they effortlessly marched inside the ten yard line.  All was well and good for Chelsea — until the second Blue Screen of Death struck.  On first and goal from the three, Hill fumbled the ball, and it ended up in the arms of a pleasantly surprised Adrian defender.

Chris Ballow was tackled by the terrifying two-headed three-legged defensive monster.

“Get that camera out of my face!”

Nick Hill prefers not to share.

Though the turnover was a boon for the Fronds, it left them with nearly the entire field to cover for a go-ahead touchdown — a task made more daunting by their offense’s surprising dormancy in the third quarter.  (Would you believe Adrian didn’t gain a single first down the entire third quarter?)  But to the great dismay of the Chelsea faithful, the Leaves lumbered down the field, devouring both yardage and time on their march towards the end zone.  The Bulldog defense provided a glimmer of hope when, facing first and goal on the two, it stiffened and forced Adrian into fourth and goal from the four; however, the fourth-down pass was complete for the touchdown, giving the Maples the lead once again.  A successful two-point conversion pushed Adrian’s lead to three, leaving Chelsea four minutes to find enough points to stay in the game.

The final drive had a promising beginning as Chelsea moved to the Adrian 42 with 1:30 to play; with two timeouts left, the Bulldogs seemed certain at least to attempt a game-tying field goal before time expired.  However, the drive died at the 37 when the Maple defense sacked Paulsen on fourth down.  Adrian failed to gain a first down, but it didn’t matter; when their final punt was downed, the clock read all zeros on Chelsea’s first loss of the season.

Odds & Ends

• Chief among the many frustrations of this loss was this: statistically, Chelsea outperformed Adrian in nearly every category.  But the two missed extra points and the two Blue Screens of Death, along with Adrian’s backbreaking fourth-quarter drive, doomed the Bulldogs.
• The field turned into a bit of a hospital ward: as the game wore on, a number of players were limping, one Adrian player was taken off on the cart, and one Chelsea player was missing a chunk of his lip.  Also, Nick Hill was fighting cramps the entire second half.
• Despite the loss and his painful cramps, Hill had a productive evening: he rushed 37 times for 222 yards and 2 touchdowns.

Next Week
The Bulldogs face the Railsplitters of Lincoln; the game is in Chelsea on Friday at 7:00PM.

Freshmen: def. Skyline 28-20
JV: def. Ypsilanti 44-0
Varsity 2009: 3-0 (1-0 SEC White)

Varsity 2007 vs. Ypsilanti: 26-14w

Week 3 featured another first-ever SEC game for the Bulldogs, this time against the Ypsilanti Name-Changers.  Unlike last week’s game against Monroe, this was only a first-ever conference game: Chelsea’s first-ever game against Ypsilanti occurred at the Big Day Prep Showdown in 2007, a game Chelsea won, 26-14.  Also unlike last week’s game, this would not be an irregular occurrence: while Monroe joined the big-boned SEC Red, the Name-Changers joined the more svelte SEC White, making the 2009 game the first of many annual conference meetings to come.

When they asked who was ready for some football, Conor Townsend responded enthusiastically.

There’s no humor here.  The flag was at half-mast because it was 9/11.

Beware the steely gaze of cheerleaders.

One of the challenges for a strong team like Chelsea is maintaining its intensity for games it’s expected to win, and this game was no exception: the coaches found reason to be irked at the team’s lackadaisical approach to pregame routines, and the futility of the Bulldogs’ first drive didn’t warm the cockles of anyone’s heart.  But the defense forced Ypsi into a poor punt — seriously, it didn’t even cross the line of scrimmage, so it was more of an intentional fumble than a punt — and Nick Hill defibrillated the Chelsea sideline with a 40-yard touchdown run to give the Bulldogs a 7-0 lead.

Isn’t it obvious?  Cal Bauer’s favorite song is Van Halen’s “Jump.”

“I know it’s after Labor Day, but we’re the visitors, so we have to wear white anyway.”

In the battle between punters and Zak Giller…well, it’s really not much of a battle.

Another short Ypsilanti possession gave Chelsea the ball on the sunny side of the 50, and Hill finished the drive with a three-yard touchdown run.  His second touchdown of the game happened to be his last: with the game’s writing quite legible on the wall, Hill became a spectator.  A Michigan State-bound spectator who accumulated 98 yards and two touchdowns in less than 10 minutes, but a spectator nonetheless.  (Don’t worry, Chelsea fans: he’s fine.)

Staring sternly at Nick Hill isn’t the same as tackling Nick Hill.

Nick Hill is on a fast bicycle to nowhere.

Trevor Mattson tried to stow away, but the trip ended quickly.

The writing on the wall seemed to become a bit less legible when Ypsilanti marched down to Chelsea’s 14, but Dakota Cooley quashed the Name-Changers’ uprising with a timely interception in the end zone; with that comeback nonsense out of the way, the Bulldogs cleared up the writing with an 80-yard drive capped by a 19-yard touchdown catch by Mason Borders.  As the end of the first half approached, Ypsilanti threatened to score once more; however, the threat and the half ended with a sack by Trevor Mattson, and Chelsea’s 21-0 lead settled down to enjoy the halftime show.

“Is that the football field?  I’ll remember this time, I swear!”

Isn’t that nice?  Bobby Hall is helping him down to the ground.

The third quarter was largely uneventful for eleven and a half minutes, but Ypsilanti ruined the monotony with 15-yard touchdown pass that cut the lead to 21-6.  The trend of excitement continued in short order with a Chelsea touchdown courtesy of a 38-yard reception by Chris Ballow; not to be outdone, Ypsilanti added a second touchdown, and the suddenly-exhausted scoreboard gasped to a 28-12 Chelsea lead.  After a six-minute respite filled with punts and turnovers on downs — well, okay, just one of each — the scoreboard had to work just once more as Chelsea ended the evening’s scoring with a two-yard Joey Newland touchdown run.  After the totally unremarkable final 90 seconds of the game unremarkably expired, the Bulldogs boarded the buses with a 35-12 victory in hand.

Odds & Ends

• The game was played on the eighth anniversary of 9/11.
• The foofaraw over Ypsilanti High School’s mascot ended with a new mascot (the Phoenix) chosen by the school board — the board inexplicably rejected the students’ choice of the Royals — but to the joy of many alumni, not all vestiges of the Braves mascot have been expunged: the water tower that looms over Shadford Field still proclaims Ypsilanti to be the “Home of the Braves.”
• Chelsea accumulated 9 penalties, but that was an improvement over both the first and second games (11 and 12 penalties, respectively).
• A helicopter from Detroit’s Channel 7 circled the game for ten minutes, shooting video for that evening’s 11:00 news broadcast.  Thanks to its presence, the Detroit TV market got to see a Chelsea touchdown on the 11:00 news.

Next Week:
The Bulldogs take on the Adrian Maples.  The game is in Chelsea on Friday at 7PM.

Freshmen: d. Monroe 21-20
JV: d. Monroe 39-6
Varsity 2009: 2-0 (0-0 SEC White)

Varsity 2008 vs. Monroe: n/a

The last decade has brought considerable change to the Southeastern Conference, one of the most recent of which was the addition of Monroe High School.  The SEC is split into Red and White divisions based on school size, and Monroe’s enrollment of more than 2,000 students — more than twice that of Chelsea — compelled its placement in the big-boned SEC Red; however, the strange concept of non-conference conference games still managed to put Monroe on Chelsea’s schedule in week 2.

In an effort to promote a positive attitude, the Chelsea training staff is enforcing a mandatory thumbs-up policy.

They just keep coming!  It’s like the plague of locusts, but without the plague or the locusts.

Nigel Schuh is in the Red Sea.  But not that Red Sea.

What made this game more appealing was its unmistakable new-series smell: the first ever SEC meeting between Chelsea and Monroe also happened to be the first ever meeting…uh…ever.  (Ever ever.  Ever?  Ever!)  The comfortable malevolence of well-worn rivalries is the lifeblood of sports, but the occasional first-ever game provides a refreshing dose of unfamiliarity to contrast with the established rhythm of games against old-school foes like Saline or Dexter.  Like an Ohio State student walking into a classroom, Chelsea found itself walking into an unknown environment in Monroe, and it was exciting.  (Of course, that Ohio State student doesn’t find his scholastic unfamiliarity exciting, but no analogy is perfect.)

Nick Hill just can’t shake the feeling somebody is after him.

Not even the glare of the setting sun can prevent Brad Bush from glaring in your direction.

Mason Borders may look like he’s trying to play an invisible violin, but he’s actually catching a touchdown pass.

Illegal…elbow to the face?

Though Monroe may have been entirely unfamiliar, Chelsea’s approach to its first drive was as familiar and comfortable as Linus’ blanket: Nick Hill carried the ball seven times in the drive’s eleven plays, the last of which was a two-yard touchdown run.  A few technical difficulties on the extra point held Chelsea’s lead at six, but 6 > 0, and nine out of ten mathematicians agree: being on the greater-than end of the expression is the best possible start in a new venue.  (The tenth mathematician must have been the trepidatious Ohio State student.)  After the defense multiplied Monroe by zero, the Bulldogs celebrated offensive diversity with a 32-yard touchdown catch by Mason Borders for a 13-0 lead.

I could continue to describe the first half, but there’s an easy way to simplify this narrative.  Here’s a handy summary of Monroe’s first-half drives:

1. Monroe obtained the ball, and
2. Monroe gave the ball back to Chelsea.

And here’s a handy summary of Chelsea’s first-half drives:

1. Chelsea obtained the ball, and
2. Chelsea scored.

Whee!

It was at this moment Conor Townsend began to regret stapling his opponent’s hands to his jersey.

“Maybe I shouldn’t have told him he’d have to go through me to get to the end zone.”

You may think I’m exaggerating or being lazy or exaggerating lazily, but with one exception, it’s true: each of Monroe’s six first-half drives ended with a punt or a turnover on downs, while all but one of Chelsea’s six first-half drives ended with touchdowns.  Hill scored his second of the game on a 45-yard run, Borders scored his second on a 5-yard pass, and Chris Ballow used his 71-yard reception to set himself up for a six-yard run to give Chelsea a 34-0 halftime lead.

Sometimes Joe Tripodi needs a snack.

“If I’m going down,” thought Andrew Nold, “I’m taking this guy with me.”

“Hey, could you get me a Dr. Pepper?  Thanks.”

With the scoreboard tilted firmly in Chelsea’s direction and Monroe futilely spinning its wheels like Cameron’s Ferrari, the second half loomed as a steady march toward a Bulldog victory; however, the Trojans, unwilling to go gentle into that good night, opened the third quarter with a rousing eight-minute, 16-play, 75-yard touchdown drive to narrow Chelsea’s lead from a commanding 34 points to a mostly assertive 27 points.  But the touchdown’s feel-good moment proved to be Monroe’s only incursion into happiness: the Chelsea defense allowed the Trojans only 26 yards through the rest of the second half.

Meanwhile, though the Chelsea offense didn’t maintain its blistering first half scoring pace (83 percent!), it wasn’t entirely done; after two drives ended in punts, Tyler Frank scored on a two-yard touchdown with just under three minutes to play.  Finally, after a Charlie Hess interception brought Monroe’s final drive to a close, Frank knelt to zero out the clock on a 41-7 Chelsea victory.

Odds & Ends

• The win over Monroe was Brad Bush’s 100th win as Chelsea’s head coach.  He reached the milestone in just over 12 seasons, which means he’s averaging over 8 wins a season; his record at Chelsea stands at 100-31, giving him a winning percentage of .763.
• Chelsea had no fumbles.  No, I don’t mean Chelsea didn’t lose any fumbles; I mean Chelsea had no fumbles at all.  Hooray for ball security!
• Thanks in large part to that eight-minute drive, Monroe actually had the edge in possession time (25:36 to 22:24).  Taking two-thirds of an entire quarter to score certainly helps boost possession time!  Unfortunately, taking two-thirds of an entire quarter to score in the face of a 34-point deficit doesn’t boost chances of victory.
• Since Monroe is in the SEC Red, Chelsea may not face the Trojans again for a while; the other Red teams have to cycle through Chelsea’s non-conference conference schedule, too.
• Check out the full gallery of game photos.

Next Week

Chelsea faces the [insert mascot here] of Ypsilanti; the game is in Ypsilanti at 7PM.  (Which…uh…means it already happened.  But just pretend this post happened before the Ypsi game, okay?)