It’s August. Do you remember what happens in August?

FOOTBALL. FOOTBALL HAPPENS IN AUGUST. I know the all-caps seem a bit excessive, but football is exciting. It’s so exciting that I happily photograph practices. That’s not sarcasm or snark; that’s just the truth. FOOTBALL IS EXCITING.

If you don’t believe me, take at a look: even the players were jumping for joy.

What? Those were defensive backs working on their pass defense skills? A minor technicality. Move on, quibbler.

An important part of early football practices is teaching players to forget some of the things they learned in kindergarten. Most notably, the defensive players have to forget how to share. This tends to be an easy lesson.

Coach Moundros also had some important lessons for the defensive backs:

“And remember: when you make a play, be sure to smile for the camera over there.”

Dom was a quick study.

“Just one fist bump? Please?”

If you still don’t believe me when I say football is exciting — what on earth is wrong with you?! — maybe Coach Fanning’s jazz hands will convince you.

Did you think that was funny? I hope so, because Coach Fanning certainly did.

What? He wasn’t laughing about that? Again, a minor technicality. Move on, quibbler.

If you started reading this blog after last football season, you might not be familiar with the Chelsea High School football coaching staff. You’ve already seen most of them in this year’s practice photos, but there’s one notable gentleman you haven’t yet seen this year.

The blue-shirted gentleman in that photo — and the next two photos — is Coach Lindauer. He also happens to be the mayor of the city of Chelsea. Double the authority? Double the fun!

Here, Coach Lindauer shows an offensive lineman how to work with the city council:

I don’t recall exactly what he was saying, but I’m guessing it had something to do with leverage and proper use of the hands. That’s applicable to politics, right?

One other coach you haven’t yet met on the blog this year is the man in charge: Coach Bush.

If you’re too sweaty and you need a shower, Coach Bush isn’t afraid to let you know.

Coach Taylor believes in the transformative power of orange cones:

It’s been said that the eyes are the window to the soul, but…

…in the case of Coach Brown the Younger, the eyes are the mirror back to your own eyes.

Coach Dignan and Coach Brown the Elder spent some time with the starting quarterback:

What’s the problem? It has a ridiculously strong, consistent and accurate arm, and it’s mobile! Isn’t that what you want in a quarterback these days?

Another important part of the preseason is teaching the players how to properly wear a helmet. Here’s a hint: this is not how to properly wear a helmet.

In order to form a more perfect pass rush, the defensive linemen began training to become ninjas.

Feel free to insert your own sound effects.

Though I have no idea what it has to do with football, in this photo it appears the defensive linemen are trying to learn how to take an offensive lineman’s pulse, too. Progress is slow, though, because they’re having trouble locating the wrist.

Of course, an actual real not-humorous part of preseason practice is learning the playbook. Here, Coach Taylor holds up a play for the offense to run.

I know what you’re thinking: “Where’s the play? Is that the play called Jazz, where everybody just improvises something?” While that would be cool in a totally disastrous way, that’s not the case. There was a real play diagrammed on the sheet, but its identity has been hidden for its own protection. So, if you’re from Dexter and you’re here hoping to get an edge by learning one of Chelsea’s plays, I’m sorry I didn’t help you.

Wait…no I’m not. I’ll never even try to pretend to be impartial when it comes to Chelsea football. The day I help Dexter football against Chelsea is the day that won’t ever exist in this universe.