Freshmen: d. Lincoln 33-12
JV: d. Lincoln 67-0

Varsity 2008 record: 3-1 (2-1 SEC)

After the Series of Unfortunate Events that was Chelsea’s week three game against Saline, the Bulldogs came into week four looking to put that chapter of the season to rest.  And when I say “put that chapter of the season to rest,” I mean “utilize the anger-management methods of B.A. Baracus and the Incredible Hulk on a hapless opponent.”  There were no happy faces after the astonishingly lopsided loss to Saline, and nobody — not even Lemony Snicket — wanted to see that happen again.  Ever.  Ever ever.  However, despite Chelsea’s immense motivation, there was still an obstacle standing between the Bulldogs and the soothing salve of victory: the Lincoln Railsplitters.

Here in Chelsea, we like our pylons big and our football players bigger.

We are the knights who say knee (injury)!

It was a banner day for Corey Mantel.

There have been many years in which the Railsplitters couldn’t be considered any sort of obstacle — the woes of the Lincoln football program were detailed in this space last year — but 2008 presented a very good reason not to overlook Lincoln, and that reason was named Andrew Dillon.  In Lincoln’s 2007 game against Chelsea, Dillon showed a disconcerting amount of ability to get all Donovan McNabby on a defense (and if there’s anything that can give heartburn to a Michigan fan, it’s the thought of McNabb at Syracuse).  My trepidation level for this year’s game against Lincoln only increased when the Railsplitters opened the season by demolishing Tecumseh — giving Lincoln its first football victory in nearly four years — and, two weeks later, were within one point of the Pioneering Pioneers of Pioneer in the fourth quarter; suddenly, with Dillon’s eleventy billion yards and eighty hundred touchdowns giving the Railsplitters new hope, this, it seemed, was not your older brother’s Lincoln.

Modern conventional football wisdom says that if given the opportunity, most teams not named the Texas Tech Red Raiders — I think they actually do gain eleventy billion yards each game — should choose to kick the ball to start the game; however, in a bold declaration of an intent to score points like dead Chicago residents used to vote — early and often — Chelsea chose to receive the opening kickoff.  That bold intent had to wait, though, as Chelsea managed to gain two first downs but couldn’t convert a fourth down inside Lincoln’s 30; the Railsplitters took possession and, to the dismay of the defense, began to move the ball with surprising efficiency.  But they, too, failed to convert a fourth down, and a once-promising drive ended with no points.

Somebody must have planted cheerleader seeds.

You can look, but you can’t touch.

Well, at least he got the pass away.

Chelsea’s next drive was an episode of the hit show Nick Hill & Friends, as Hill carried the ball on every play of the three-play drive; he used a 30-yard touchdown run to finish what he started, and Chelsea took a 7-0 lead.  On its possession, Lincoln proceeded to lose 14 yards before punting, and Chelsea responded with another quick three-play drive; this time, Brett Everding took a Michael Roberts pass 50 yards to the end zone, and the Cook County voting was on like Donkey Kong (who probably was registered to vote in Cook County at some point).

At the start of the second quarter, the Lincoln offense showed slight improvement by gaining a first down; however, that improvement disappeared when it started moving backwards and ended up with a net negative of four yards on the drive.  A Lincoln unsportsmanlike conduct penalty after the punt gave Chelsea the ball inside the Lincoln 30, and the general assumption was that Chelsea would score in short order; however, that assumption wasn’t a four-star general, and Chelsea came away empty-handed thanks to a lost fumble.

I would say Lincoln averted disaster with that fumble recovery, but … well, given the remarkably severe struggles of the Railsplitter offense, averting disaster probably wasn’t an option anymore; the best remaining option was probably a call to FEMA.  This was confirmed when, on an already dire third and long situation, Lincoln lost another 22 yards, setting up a punt on fourth and 33 from its own nine yard line.  Hill called for a fair catch at the Lincoln 42, and after an unusually long drive — four plays this time — Hill took it in for his second touchdown, and Chelsea was cruising with a 21-0 lead.

Strangers in the night … exchanging glances … while one is on his way to the end zone …

“No, coach, I won’t penalize them for unsportsmanlike fashion.”

The Hulkster thinks that was a penalty, brother.

The Lincoln offense continued its tepid ways with another short drive consisting of one first down and a punt, and the Chelsea offense continued its impatient ways with its shortest drive of the game: on the first play of the drive, Everding caught a Roberts pass and took it 40 yards for his second touchdown of the game.  In the last four and a half minutes of the first half, Lincoln had two possessions and Chelsea had one; however, neither offense produced points — though Roberts did launch a 57-yard punt under pressure — and the first half ended with Chelsea holding a 28-0 lead.

Because of Chelsea’s bold declaration at the beginning of the game, Lincoln got the ball to start the second half, and the inevitable happened: Dillon started throwing the ball all over the field, and his receivers started catching it all over the field.  All of a sudden, Lincoln was moving the ball, and it looked like the Bulldogs might have to work a bit more in the second half than they had in the first.  But a sack helped bring the drive to an end, and at the end of yet another three-play drive, Hill took the ball for a 35-yard ride into the end zone for his third touchdown of the day and a 35-0 Chelsea lead.

Is Riley Feeney’s right shoulder really detachable?  That could be useful.

Jake Powell’s looking at you, kid.

This little piggy went to market…

Though there were nearly 19 minutes left to play, the game was effectively out of hand; Chelsea’s five scoring drives had averaged just under three plays per drive, so maintaining a comfortable lead wouldn’t be a problem for the Bulldogs.  But Lincoln still had life left, and the Railsplitter offense proved as much by putting together an 80-yard scoring drive — built on Dillon’s 4-for-4 passing performance — and with a successful two-point conversion, Lincoln narrowed Chelsea’s lead to 35-8.

Chelsea’s second-team offense took the field and proceeded to drive into Lincoln territory with little difficulty; however, one minute into the fourth quarter, the offense fumbled the ball away.  But whatever offensive magic Lincoln had used over the last two drives was long gone, and the Chelsea defense forced Lincoln into a three and out.  The Railsplitters lined up to punt, but the Chelsea defense, in a fit of mischief, broke through the line and blocked Dillon’s punt, and Chelsea took over on the Lincoln 15.  And can you guess how many plays it took Chelsea to score?  That’s right: yet again, it took three plays, the last of which was a Jake Powell three-yard touchdown run.

Wait … are you telling me they’re not high school football players?

Life didn’t get any better for Lincoln, as the Railsplitters fumbled the ball on the first play of their drive; however, Chelsea went four and out and gave the ball right back.  Lincoln started to move the ball again, but the drive stalled at the Chelsea 25, and the Bulldogs took over with three and a half minutes to play; three first downs later, the clock was all zeros, and Chelsea had a 42-8 victory.

Leftovers:

• Dillon had a rough evening; he finished with 181 yards passing, but those came in fits and starts, and he also finished with with a frigid rushing total of 56 below zero.
• If you think all Brett Everding did was catch touchdown passes, you’re right: he had two catches for 90 yards and two touchdowns.
• Nick Hill, apparently determined to make up for lost time, contributed 145 yards and 3 touchdowns.
• Speaking of making up for lost time: Scott Rhodes had six solo tackles against Lincoln; that brings his three-game total to 13 solo tackles and 4 assisted tackles.
• None of Chelsea’s six scoring drives took more than four plays, and none was longer than 1:05.
• As shown in the picture at the beginning of this recap, the players wrote “R.I.P. 65” on their eye black stickers as a tribute to Ben Rodgers, a former Bulldog who was recently killed in a car accident.

Next week:
Chelsea faces the Dreadnaughts of Dexter; the game is in Chelsea on Friday at 7:00.  You don’t really want to miss a Chelsea/Dexter game, do you?  No, I didn’t think so.