Freshmen: d. Dexter 46-7
JV: d. Dexter 40-0
Varsity 2009: 6-1 (4-1 SEC White)

Varsity 2008 vs. Dexter: 47-12w

Ah, Dexter.  Despite the town’s many similarities to Chelsea, its football prowess lags well behind that of its familiar neighbor.  Dexter High School has long struggled to field a consistently competitive football team; the Dreadnaughts have posted only one winning season in the past 20 years, that being a 5-4 season in 2005 achieved largely through the efforts of athletically creative quarterback Johnny Benjamin.  Thanks to those monumental struggles, the Bulldogs walked onto Dexter’s Al Ritt Field in possession of a 13-game rivalry winning streak — dating back to former Chelsea coach Gene LaFave’s final season — and an abundance of confidence that they would be able to defeat the 2-4 Dreadnaughts.

Who framed the Chelsea Bulldogs?

Paul Ulisse enjoys denying friend requests.

Just to be sure, Charlie Hess likes to point with both his hand and foot.

Though the football series seems to be in a medically-induced coma to prevent rivalry damage and inflammation of the ego, the schools’ overall rivalry is very heatedly sustained both by the neighboring towns’ close familiarity and by stirring competition in several other sports, including hockey, basketball, and new high school construction.  This means that while the football programs are miles apart competitively — Chelsea’s average margin of victory in the last 13 games is 26 points — the game still raises the collective dander of athletes on both sidelines: nobody wants to lose to that town.

This particular installation of the Chexter Series was complicated by one entirely uncontrollable factor: the weather.  Rain had been falling the entire day leading up to the game, and since Dexter remains as one of the few SEC schools that hasn’t yet installed artificial turf, the field promised to be approximately as durable (and exactly 100% less tasty) as Jello.  A 120-yard quagmire doesn’t hinder a good running game, but it does increase the chances for more unpredictable events — like turnovers — that can help keep the score closer than it should be.

Clearly, the Dexter defense knew it couldn’t catch Nick Hill.

Dexter, thy field is mud.

Jesse Forner was kung-fu fighting.

Dexter won the toss and decided to let Chelsea have the ball first, and as the rain continued, the Bulldogs responded with a 5-play drive in which every single play was a first down and the last play was a 17-yard Nick Hill touchdown run.  After the rivalry reared its head with offsetting personal foul penalties on the resulting kickoff, the Dreadnaughts fought back with…a punt.  But hey, they gained a first down before they had to punt, so it wasn’t all bad.  Still, it was mostly bad, and the mostly became more mostlied by a 78-yard Hill touchdown run on the very next play.  Yes, it certainly was mostly bad: five minutes into the game, Chelsea held a 12-0 lead, and Dexter held…one first down.

Unfortunately, sometimes the friend requests get through.

Conor Tait had to deal with a red Herring.

Don’t make Joe Tripodi stop this football game.

The Dreadnaughts’ offensive futility finally ended as they pierced the dark and mysterious veil of midfield, even advancing as far as Chelsea’s 15.  But fourth down proved to be too nefarious a nemesis for the Dreadnaughts, and they had to hand the ball back to the Bulldogs without the comfort of points.  Can you guess what happened next?  That’s right: Nick Hill carried the ball.  So did Jesse Forner and Chris Ballow.  Also, Brian Paulsen threw the ball.  And they all did so as part of a five-minute, 89-yard drive that extended into the second quarter and ended with — surprise! — a Hill touchdown four minutes into the second quarter.

Through much of the second quarter, the game settled into that familiar rhythm: Dexter punted and Chelsea scored, first on a 27-yard Hill run and then on a 13-yard Ballow run to make the score 33-0.  With time winding down in the half, Dexter interrupted the rhythm with another drive into Chelsea territory, but time, time, time, wasn’t on their side (no it wasn’t): the Dreadnaughts made it only to Chelsea’s 31 before halftime put an end to their grand ambitions.

Contrast +20

Evan Grau forgot to mind his manners.

“Hey!  Your posture could use some work!”

The second half began much the…wait, what?  Dexter scored?  Well, okay then.  A 15-yard penalty forced Chelsea to kick off from the 25, and Dexter took advantage of the resulting good field position by driving for a touchdown.  However, it quickly became obvious the Bulldogs had no intention of letting the Dreadnaughts back into the game: a brief 76-yard drive ended with a 50-yard Hill touchdown run.  After another same old same old Dexter drive, Brian Bazydlo scored Chelsea’s last touchdown of the game midway through the fourth quarter; the Dreadnaughts answered with a late touchdown, but it was only statistical foofaraw.  The last two minutes passed with no further excitement, and Chelsea closed the books on a 46-14 victory.

Odds & Ends

• With the win, Chelsea clinched its eleventh consecutive playoff berth.
• The rain ended by halftime, something the spectators appreciated more than the players because the field was already obliterated.

Next week
Chelsea faces the Pioneers of Pioneer; the game is in Chelsea at 7pm.

Freshmen: d. Tecumseh 21-8
JV: d. by Tecumseh 14-52
Varsity 2009: 5-1 (2-1 SEC White)

Varsity 2008 vs. Tecumseh: 26-28L

The sixth week of the season sent Chelsea to unexplored territory: Indian Stadium in Tecumseh.  Yes, Chelsea has been visiting Tecumseh since before the term “indigenous people” was in vogue, but this particular Indian Stadium wasn’t your father’s Indian Stadium.  After the old stadium, a rickety confection of rusting metal, rotting wood and a classic bowl setting much like that of Jerry Niehaus Field, met its end at the hands of an inspector, Tecumseh found itself in the unenviable position of having no home venue for much of the 2008 season.  That sort of nomadic life appeals only to roving bands of gypsies who happen to play football — hey, they may be out there somewhere — so rather than endure the hassle of building new structures on the cramped footprint of the old stadium, Tecumseh put together a new stadium adjacent to its recently-constructed high school.

Nick Dehar had trouble touching his toes…

…And so did Joey Newland.

Don’t worry.  Tom didn’t cut off Tom O’Neill’s hand.

“So…what’s with the black jackets?  Are you trying to be stealthy?”

This particular meeting of the longtime SEC rivals held extra significance for the Bulldogs: last season, a 2-5 Tecumseh team took the field on Chelsea’s homecoming and stole a 28-26 victory out from under a 6-1 Chelsea team.  That unexpected loss stuck in the craw of the Bulldogs, making the 2009 meeting a chance for them to bury last year’s loss under a blanket of triumph.  But that blanket of triumph would have to be oversized to accommodate plenty of points, because like the Railsplitters the week prior, the Indians were coming off a two-game winning streak in which they had scored bundles of points.  And while the Bulldogs had managed to hold Slap Chop Dillon and his minions to a mere nine points, Tecumseh presented a completely different challenge with its stupendously obnoxious Group Hug Offense, an offense whose primary — and maybe only — formation looks exactly like this:

Chelsea received the ball first, so Tecumseh’s Group Hug had to wait on the sidelines for its first chance to hug its way to the end zone.  The good news for Tecumseh is that it had to wait only 44 seconds for its first possession; the bad news was that 44 seconds was all it took Chelsea to put together a three-play scoring drive capped by a Nick Hill 17-yard touchdown run.  In response, the Indians offense also stayed on the field for three plays, but its brief foray into football action ended with a fumble rather than a touchdown.  Chelsea took immediate advantage of the turnover by going four and out, and two plays later, Tecumseh showed its gratitude with an 83-yard touchdown run to cut the Bulldogs’ lead to one.

Chris Ballow isn’t quite Flat Stanley.

Nick Hill can’t hear you!

Brandon Seagraves runs like the wind, even in the rain.

Charlie Hess knows how to kick back and relax.

With the competitive formalities out of the way and the brief rainstorm subsiding, Chelsea proceeded to make the game’s tenor match the teams’ disparate records with touchdowns on all six of its remaining first-half possessions.  Hill scored four of those touchdowns on 15, 32, 3 and 65-yard runs, but he wasn’t the only Bulldog to get in on the fun: Brian Bazydlo scored on a 22-yard run, and Jesse Forner scored on a 69-yard touchdown pass from Brian Paulsen.

Jesse Forner doesn’t need a map to find the end zone.

Paul Ulisse just wanted Nick Hill to know what it feels like to be tall.

Isn’t it nice that the Bulldogs know how to share?

Meanwhile, the Group Hug struggled to find the same affection it had unleashed on its first drive, ending its six remaining first-half possessions with a wide variety of futility.  All told, Tecumseh’s difficulties on both sides of the ball resulted in 40 unanswered Chelsea points and left the Indians in a 47-6 hole at halftime.  As football holes go, that’s a gaping chasm on par with typical Michigan potholes.  And since the Indians’ highest 2009 single-game point total was 46 — a total they achieved in their 46-58 loss to Lincoln — even the rosiest rose-colored Tecumseh glasses couldn’t hide the despondency of the situation.

The Indians didn’t have to wait for the ball in the third quarter, and they made it count with an 83-yard scoring drive to cut into the deficit.  Though the Bulldogs still held a commanding lead, they didn’t want Tecumseh to get any ideas, so they pushed the lead back to 40 with a 32-yard James Rebuldella touchdown.  But Tecumseh got ideas anyway, and those ideas involved scoring three unanswered touchdowns to narrow the 40-point gulf down to an 18-point river with just under five minutes to play.

Nigel Schuh: Football Ninja.

Brian Bazydlo ran fast enough to bleed all the color out of his uniform.

David Slusser can take James Rebuldella higher.

See?  There’s tom O’Neill’s hand right there!

With the Indians threatening to make the game interesting again, Chelsea drove down the field in search of an insurance touchdown, and Joey Newland was just about to score that touchdown when disaster struck in the form of a fumble at the five yard line.  Well, disaster tried to strike, but Zack Foster proved himself to be greater than disaster by recovering the ball in the end zone to effectively seal the victory.  Tecumseh managed to score one more touchdown, but it went for naught but appearances as time expired on a 61-44 Chelsea victory that really wasn’t as close as the score indicated.

Odds & Ends

• With his 207 yards, Nick Hill surpassed 1,000 yards for the third consecutive season.
• Tecumseh ran 37 more offensive plays than Chelsea but gained only 11 more yards.
• Tecumseh installed artificial turf in the new stadium, giving Chelsea one fewer chance to play on natural grass.  This is unfortunate because while turf is all well and good, sometimes the game is better with a few grass or mud stains.  This is also unfortunate because like most schools in the area, Tecumseh included permanent lines for every field sport known to humanity, making the field look busier than a MySpace page.  I know, I know: it’s a matter of practicality.  But it’s still an aesthetic nightmare.

Next Week
Chelsea faces the Dreadnaughts of Dexter; the game is in Dexter on Friday at 7PM.

Freshmen: d. Lincoln 52-14
JV: d. Lincoln 41-35
Varsity: 4-1 (1-1 SEC White)

Varsity 2008 vs. Lincoln: 42-8w

Week 5 brought to Jerry Niehaus Field the Lincoln Railsplitters, a team that had the potential to be either a panacea or a problem.  With the Bulldogs’ week 4 loss to Adrian still fresh in their minds, a game against a historically weak program like Lincoln could prove to be a welcome outlet for the previous week’s frustrations; however, the Railsplitters yet again brought Andrew Dillon, their perennially terrifying quarterback with a well-documented ability to Slap Chop defenses into scrumptious yardage garnishes and tasty touchdown toppings.  Chelsea’s last loss to Lincoln occurred in 1997, which also happened to be Chelsea’s last losing season, but…Dillon, man.  Dillon.

With a little Miracle-Gro, they’ll make fine varsity football players.

The band chose door number C.

The forecast?  Partly cloudy with a chance of cheerleaders.

Wait…why are Nick Hill’s teammates chasing him?

In addition to Dillon’s discomfiting prolificacy, there was another reason to be concerned about Lincoln’s problem potential: the Railsplitters were coming off two consecutive wins, something that hadn’t happened since 1998.  That made the week 5 game a battle between Chelsea’s anger and Lincoln’s happiness, sort of like a battle between Nirvana and the B-52’s but without the angst-ridden drama and Fran Drescher-like shrillness.  I know that sounds inconceivably unbearable, but don’t worry: there’s no soundtrack to this football game.  In any case, between future Green Machine Nick Hill and Slap Chop Dillon, many fans expected the press box staff to be busy frantically adding points to both sides of the scoreboard.

Is that Chris Spielman he’s blocking?  No…probably not.

He’s going to make the tackle!

On second thought…

…No, no he’s not.

Nirva…uh, I mean, Chelsea received the ball to start the game, and the first drive was no surprise to anybody: Nick Hill carried the ball on seven of the drive’s ten plays, gained 47 of the drive’s 64 yards, and scored one of the drive’s one touchdowns.  Likewise, Lincoln’s first drive was no surprise to anybody: Andrew Dillon carried or threw the ball on 12 of the drive’s 14 plays and scored one of the drive’s one touchdowns.  But the extra point didn’t Railsplit the uprights — oh, come on, you saw that one coming — so Chelsea still held a one-point lead.

Alex Cuper would make a tackle for a Klondike Bar.

Cal Bauer vs. Andrew Dillon: Bauer wins.  Obviously.

Here, Brian Paulsen is handing the ball to Chelsea’s invisible running back.

After the completely predictable scoring drives, each team broke tendencies by…punting?  Whoa.  That was weird.  Are there points associated with punts?  No?  Well…okay.  Just don’t let it happen again.  And not only did the Bulldogs not let it happen again, but they didn’t let it happen again very quickly: on the fourth play after Lincoln’s punt, Hill took the ball 54 yards for a touchdown.  That brief scoring drive unleashed a flurry of second-quarter touchdowns by Chelsea:

• A 42-yard Jesse Forner run set up another Hill touchdown
• A two-yard punt — yes, you read that right — set up another Hill touchdown
• A Brandon French interception set up Hill for his fifth touchdown of the half, giving Chelsea a 35-6 halftime lead

All told, Chelsea totaled four scores in eight minutes, a feat whose description sounds vaguely Lincolnian — Alanis thinks that’s ironic — and which prompted the Railsplitter coach to deliver this halftime speech that may or may not be a completely fictional speech I heard with my own two imaginations:

“Four score and eight minutes ago, our fathers brought forth on this field a competitive football game, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that both teams have a chance to win.  Now we are engaged in a great blowout, testing whether that football game, or any football game so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure.”

Fortunately, Brandon French didn’t lose his head during this tackle.

Jesse Forner was perplexed to find Lincoln playing watch football instead of tackle football.

Five!  Five dollar!  Five dollar football!

With that stirring Niehausburg Address on the books, the second half quickly looked much like the second quarter: Lincoln punted the ball away, and after a 41-yard Mason Borders catch set up Chelsea at the three yard line, Brian Bazydlo picked up where Hill left off with a touchdown run.  But after another set of punts, the streak of 35 consecutive Chelsea points ended early in the fourth quarter when Lincoln kicked a field goal to trim the Bulldogs’ lead to 33.

Brian Bazydlo appreciates your input, but he’s going to score anyway.

“Hey, is that a Gucci belt?  Can I look at it?”

Megan Fox has yet to comment on these allegations.

Though that gasp proved to be the Railsplitters’ last, the Bulldogs weren’t content to let them write the final entry on the scoreboard; after a drive featuring large doses of James Rebuldella, Tyler Frank scored the game’s last touchdown on a 14-yard run.  Lincoln’s last possession fell victim to an expiring clock, and the Bulldogs put themselves back in a winning mood with a 49-9 victory.

Odds & Ends

• The Railsplitters dominated the battle of time of possession, holding the ball for nearly 33 of the game’s 48 minutes, but they still lost by 40 points.  How did that happen?  First: Lincoln’s two scoring drives consumed more than 13 minutes.  Second: five of Chelsea’s seven scoring drives consumed less than a minute each.  Specifically, it took only 2:58 of possession time to score those five touchdowns.

Next Week:
Chelsea faces the Indians of Tecumseh; the game is in Tecumseh on Friday at 7:00PM.