Freshmen: d. by Monroe, 6-54
JV: d. by Monroe, 7-27

Varsity 2010 record: 2-0 (0-0 SEC White)

Location: Chelsea, MI
Opponent: Monroe
Mascot: The Trojans
Real Mascot: The Fighting Scrub Brushes.  Wouldn’t this make a great mascot?
Last Decade vs. Chelsea: 0-1.  Monroe never faced Chelsea until joining the SEC in 2009.
Last Game vs. Chelsea: Chelsea defeated Monroe 41-7 in 2009

The story so far:
The victory over Huron provided a highly positive start to the post-Nick Hill era, with the security blanket of a stout defense complementing a considerably more diverse offense.  Week 2 brought all those positives back to Jerry Niehaus Field to start the home schedule against Monroe, a team that suffered a number of lopsided losses in 2009 but demonstrated ample improvement in 2010 with a close week 1 loss to perennial SEC contender Adrian.

First Quarter:
As they did last week, the Bulldogs started the game faster than Lightning McQueen on a caffeine buzz.  After a Monroe three and out and a short punt, Chelsea marched down the field and finished its opening drive with a two-yard Truman Hadley touchdown run; another Monroe three and out yet again provided good field position, and that good field position turned into a nine-yard Berkley Edwards touchdown run.  The resulting 13-point deficit finally irked the Scrub Brushes enough to prompt some life out of them, and a 48-yard kick return into Chelsea territory gave the Monroe offense the spark it needed to find the end zone near the end of the first quarter.

Second Quarter:
The second play of the quarter was a Chelsea punt, and it started to go steeply downhill from there; the punt left Monroe on its own 12, but before long the Scrub Brushes had a first and goal on Chelsea’s nine, threatening at least to tie the game with a touchdown and even — gasp! — to take the lead with an extra point.  Facing a fourth and goal on the three, Monroe elected to avoid the field goal attempt in favor of the siren song of the potential of six points; that proved to be a mistake, as the Chelsea defense made the stop at the one.  On the next play, quarterback Brian Paulsen connected with receiver Mason Borders for 33 yards, and before Monroe could blink as many times as one might blink in a minute and a half, Chelsea had finished its 99-yard, 90-second scoring drive with a nine-yard Paulsen touchdown pass to Chris Ballow.

The rest of the quarter was relatively uneventful; Monroe fumbled once, but Chelsea couldn’t capitalize on the turnover.  Still, Chelsea retained its 19-7 lead at the end of the half.

Third quarter:
The start of the second half was a mirror image of the first, with Monroe forcing a Chelsea three and out and moving down the field to score.  A second Chelsea punt paved the way for another strong drive by Monroe, but it ended in disaster when the Scrub Brushes fumbled the ball away inside the Chelsea 20.  The Bulldogs offense ate up the last two minutes of the third quarter…

Fourth Quarter:
… and the first two minutes of the fourth quarter on its way to a 17-yard Paulsen touchdown pass to Borders.  Monroe soon fumbled the ball yet again, and three minutes later a one-yard Paulsen touchdown run to provided a considerably more comfortable 31-13 lead…that lasted all of 14 seconds thanks to a 77-yard Monroe touchdown run.  Oops.  Chelsea recovered Monroe’s onside kick, but an interception gave the Scrub Brushes the ball on the sunny side of midfield with just under five minutes to play; however, though Monroe worked its way into another first and goal, the Chelsea defense again stood tall on fourth and goal, making the stop on the five yard line with only 59 seconds left in the game.  Two knees later, the game was done.

Final Score:
Chelsea: 31
Monroe: 20

Don’t Forget My Number:

• Joey Newland led Chelsea in rushing with 121 yards on 18 carries.  Berkley Edwards followed with 62 yards and one touchdown on 14 carries.
• Mason Borders led Chelsea in receiving with 122 yards and one touchdown on five receptions.  Also, for the second consecutive week, Borders caught a pass from receiver Nate Udell.
• The Bulldogs committed no turnovers this week, but they did have a problem with one particular penalty: five of their nine penalties were defensive offsides.
• The bulk of the statistics were remarkably even, with Chelsea having only an eight-yard advantage in total yardage.  However, two numbers doomed Monroe: they lost three fumbles, and they were only 2 of 11 on third down conversions.

Photographic Evidence:

Chelsea linemen practice an alternative to the Heimlich Maneuver.

This is not a stickup.  They’ve just got spirit.  Yeah!

Coach Scheese is begging you to gain yardage.  Please?

Conor Tait is singin’ in the rain, but without the rain.  And the singing.

Joey Newland has a strict no-hitchhiker policy, but some hitchhikers are persistent.

There used to be a lineman over center, but David Slusser vaporized him with his glare.

It’s the newest Olympic sport: synchronized footballing!

Apparently someone made the mistake of telling Logan Yordanich to “take his head off.”

Mason Borders does his best Blues Brothers imitation.

It’s so hard to stiff arm a defender when nobody volunteers to be stiff armed.

Obviously, it is the opinion of this jury that the Chelsea football team is good-looking.

Andrew Koch is always ready to comfort those who mourn.  Even if they’re mourning the end of the play and he’s the one ending the play.

Truman Hadley must be looking for #1, Matt Gillespie.

Braylon Edwards’ beard can actually prevent concussions.

Charlie Kempf will not let you derail the Berkley Express.

It’s hard to tell if the defender is running towards Brian Paulsen or away from the edge of the frame.  Either way, he’s in trouble.

Yes, Mason Borders.  The goal posts are that way.  But don’t tear them down just yet!

Cal Bauer and Ray Zielinski must have just seen Justin Bieber!

Matt Gillespie is so happy, he feels like he’s floating.  He looks like it, too.

Next Week:
The Bulldogs face the Controversial Mascots of Ypsilanti.  The game is in Chelsea on Friday at 7pm.  Be there!

Freshmen: defeated by Huron, 0-23
JV: defeated Huron, 41-14

Varsity 2010 record: 1-0 (0-0 SEC White)

First, a note to assuage the inevitable curiosity: T.A.D. is the team’s slogan this year, and it stands for Trust, Accountability and Desire.

Okay.  On to the game.

Location: Ypsilanti, MI (Eastern Michigan University’s Rynearson Stadium)
Opponent: Ann Arbor Huron
Mascot: The River Rats
Real Mascot: The Hurons.  If Pioneer can be the Pioneer Pioneers, then Huron should be the Huron Hurons.
Last Decade vs. Chelsea: 0-4.  Huron is 1-6 overall against Chelsea, with the lone victory coming in the first game between the teams in 1997.
Last Game vs Chelsea: Chelsea defeated Huron 35-29 in 2009

The story so far:
Ever since the end of the 2009 season, the Chelsea football program has been bombarded with countless variations of the same question: “What are you going to do without Nick Hill?”  While it’s easy to answer that question with countless variations of “Chelsea football is more than one player,” the only answer that quiets the questions is the answer on the field.  The game against Huron provided an opportunity to show yet again that Chelsea football is not just one player, but a complete and consistent program.

First Quarter:
When phalanges met football (phootball?) to open the 2010 season, senior Matt Gillespie — whom AnnArbor.com described as “diminutive” — gave Chelsea the fastest start possible: he returned the opening kickoff 86 yards for a touchdown.  After the first of Huron’s four first-quarter three and outs, Nate Udell kept the party going with a 48-yard touchdown pass to Mason Borders; after another Huron three and out and a 41-yard Chris Ballow punt return to the 20 yard line, sophomore Berkley Edwards scored his first career varsity touchdown, giving Chelsea a 19-0 lead only six minutes into the game.

The rest of the quarter was decidedly uneventful: Chelsea’s offense took a nap and lost a fumble, and Huron managed to gain exactly one first down.

Second Quarter:
Chelsea’s offensive nap continued into the second quarter, and its sleepiness even rubbed off on the defense: after Bradbury Robinson‘s gentle reminder to Huron that the forward pass is indeed legal, Huron used a 38-yard pass play to invade Chelsea territory on its way to a touchdown.  That touchdown ended the slumber of the Chelsea defense: while Huron’s next drive crossed midfield, it stalled well out of danger at the 40.  However, Chelsea’s offense continued to doze, so the half ended with Chelsea leading, 19-7.

Quite inexcusably, there was no marching band entertainment at halftime.

Third Quarter:
It seems there were no alarm clocks in either locker room at halftime: for over 11 minutes of the third quarter, the closest anybody came to any sort of excitement was a missed 48-yard field goal by Chelsea.  But just when the game was beginning to feel more like golf than football, senior quarterback Brian Paulsen woke up the Bulldog faithful with a six-yard touchdown run with only 25 seconds left in the quarter, giving Chelsea a 26-7 lead.  Huron produced a glimmer of hope with a 29-yard pass play to end the third quarter inside the Chelsea 40…

Fourth Quarter:
…But a series of negative plays and penalties pushed Huron back out to midfield, ending the drive with a short punt and effectively ending hopes for a comeback.  From that point the game consisted of Huron playing football mostly against a cast of Chelsea backups on both sides of the ball.  Even so, Huron couldn’t finish a drive, so the score remained unchanged through the fourth quarter.

Final Score:
Chelsea: 26
Huron: 7

Don’t Forget My Number:

• Berkley Edwards led Chelsea in rushing with 71 yards and one touchdown on 13 carries.  Joey Newland wasn’t far behind: he had 68 yards on 13 carries.  That is an important answer to the question of what the team will do without Nick Hill because it stands in stark contrast to the Hill era, when Hill would have a couple hundred yards and the next back would have three Solitaire victories on his iPhone.
• Mason Borders led Chelsea in receiving with 109 yards and one touchdown on 5 catches.
• The Chelsea defense led both teams in Total Awesomeness, clogging running lanes better than a ball of hair clogs drains: Huron gained only 77 yards rushing, finished 1 for 14 on third down conversions and punted nine times.

Photographic Evidence:

All I said was that there were fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies on the other sideline.  They must have been hungry.

The Huron kicker just wanted to tell Matt Gillespie a secret…

…And Gillespie said, “Sure!  Come tell it to me in the end zone.”

Either they’re enthusiastically volunteering…or they’re doing the wigalow.  Hands up high, feet down low!

Wonders Mason Borders: “Wait…wasn’t there supposed to be a defense?”

Logan Yordanich can multitask: he can make a tackle and look at the camera at the same time!

Side effects of Chris Ballow may include missed tackles.

“Okay…I think we should all go to the Eminem and Jay-Z show in Detroit.  Oh, and I guess we should run a play now, too.”

Is that defender going to be able to stop Berkley Edwards from crossing the goal line?

Of course not!  You can’t stop the Berkley Express from reaching his destination.

Huron tried a radical new strategy of not blocking anybody.  It was a remarkable success.

Charlie Hess will make you jump!  Jump!

Logan Yordanich can push you out of bounds simply by gesturing at you.

Well, look who’s Mr. Popular!

Though Huron’s scouting indicated otherwise, Nate Udell is, in fact, not ticklish.

Calling Joey Newland’s running lane a gaping hole is like calling Warren Buffett moderately wealthy.

No, really: Joey Newland is in there somewhere.

Yes, the Chelsea student section is that intimidating.

Brian Paulsen can’t shake the feeling he’s being followed.

Aaron Johnson knows the answer to your question.

Now that he has your attention, can Logan Yordanich interest you in a timeshare?

You’d think EMU would have opened more than one checkout lane.

“You know what would get that stain out and leave your jersey brilliantly white?  Tide with Bleach.  Trust me.”

Cal Bauer and Anthony Catalina are all about teamwork.

Be careful — if you make eye contact with Matt Gillespie, he’ll steal your soul!

The scoreboard operator cleared the score too quickly, but trust me: Chelsea won, 26-7.

Next Week:
The Bulldogs face the Trojans of Monroe.  The game is in Chelsea on Friday at 7pm.  Be there!

Freshmen: d. Dexter 46-7
JV: d. Dexter 40-0
Varsity 2009: 6-1 (4-1 SEC White)

Varsity 2008 vs. Dexter: 47-12w

Ah, Dexter.  Despite the town’s many similarities to Chelsea, its football prowess lags well behind that of its familiar neighbor.  Dexter High School has long struggled to field a consistently competitive football team; the Dreadnaughts have posted only one winning season in the past 20 years, that being a 5-4 season in 2005 achieved largely through the efforts of athletically creative quarterback Johnny Benjamin.  Thanks to those monumental struggles, the Bulldogs walked onto Dexter’s Al Ritt Field in possession of a 13-game rivalry winning streak — dating back to former Chelsea coach Gene LaFave’s final season — and an abundance of confidence that they would be able to defeat the 2-4 Dreadnaughts.

Who framed the Chelsea Bulldogs?

Paul Ulisse enjoys denying friend requests.

Just to be sure, Charlie Hess likes to point with both his hand and foot.

Though the football series seems to be in a medically-induced coma to prevent rivalry damage and inflammation of the ego, the schools’ overall rivalry is very heatedly sustained both by the neighboring towns’ close familiarity and by stirring competition in several other sports, including hockey, basketball, and new high school construction.  This means that while the football programs are miles apart competitively — Chelsea’s average margin of victory in the last 13 games is 26 points — the game still raises the collective dander of athletes on both sidelines: nobody wants to lose to that town.

This particular installation of the Chexter Series was complicated by one entirely uncontrollable factor: the weather.  Rain had been falling the entire day leading up to the game, and since Dexter remains as one of the few SEC schools that hasn’t yet installed artificial turf, the field promised to be approximately as durable (and exactly 100% less tasty) as Jello.  A 120-yard quagmire doesn’t hinder a good running game, but it does increase the chances for more unpredictable events — like turnovers — that can help keep the score closer than it should be.

Clearly, the Dexter defense knew it couldn’t catch Nick Hill.

Dexter, thy field is mud.

Jesse Forner was kung-fu fighting.

Dexter won the toss and decided to let Chelsea have the ball first, and as the rain continued, the Bulldogs responded with a 5-play drive in which every single play was a first down and the last play was a 17-yard Nick Hill touchdown run.  After the rivalry reared its head with offsetting personal foul penalties on the resulting kickoff, the Dreadnaughts fought back with…a punt.  But hey, they gained a first down before they had to punt, so it wasn’t all bad.  Still, it was mostly bad, and the mostly became more mostlied by a 78-yard Hill touchdown run on the very next play.  Yes, it certainly was mostly bad: five minutes into the game, Chelsea held a 12-0 lead, and Dexter held…one first down.

Unfortunately, sometimes the friend requests get through.

Conor Tait had to deal with a red Herring.

Don’t make Joe Tripodi stop this football game.

The Dreadnaughts’ offensive futility finally ended as they pierced the dark and mysterious veil of midfield, even advancing as far as Chelsea’s 15.  But fourth down proved to be too nefarious a nemesis for the Dreadnaughts, and they had to hand the ball back to the Bulldogs without the comfort of points.  Can you guess what happened next?  That’s right: Nick Hill carried the ball.  So did Jesse Forner and Chris Ballow.  Also, Brian Paulsen threw the ball.  And they all did so as part of a five-minute, 89-yard drive that extended into the second quarter and ended with — surprise! — a Hill touchdown four minutes into the second quarter.

Through much of the second quarter, the game settled into that familiar rhythm: Dexter punted and Chelsea scored, first on a 27-yard Hill run and then on a 13-yard Ballow run to make the score 33-0.  With time winding down in the half, Dexter interrupted the rhythm with another drive into Chelsea territory, but time, time, time, wasn’t on their side (no it wasn’t): the Dreadnaughts made it only to Chelsea’s 31 before halftime put an end to their grand ambitions.

Contrast +20

Evan Grau forgot to mind his manners.

“Hey!  Your posture could use some work!”

The second half began much the…wait, what?  Dexter scored?  Well, okay then.  A 15-yard penalty forced Chelsea to kick off from the 25, and Dexter took advantage of the resulting good field position by driving for a touchdown.  However, it quickly became obvious the Bulldogs had no intention of letting the Dreadnaughts back into the game: a brief 76-yard drive ended with a 50-yard Hill touchdown run.  After another same old same old Dexter drive, Brian Bazydlo scored Chelsea’s last touchdown of the game midway through the fourth quarter; the Dreadnaughts answered with a late touchdown, but it was only statistical foofaraw.  The last two minutes passed with no further excitement, and Chelsea closed the books on a 46-14 victory.

Odds & Ends

• With the win, Chelsea clinched its eleventh consecutive playoff berth.
• The rain ended by halftime, something the spectators appreciated more than the players because the field was already obliterated.

Next week
Chelsea faces the Pioneers of Pioneer; the game is in Chelsea at 7pm.

Freshmen: d. Tecumseh 21-8
JV: d. by Tecumseh 14-52
Varsity 2009: 5-1 (2-1 SEC White)

Varsity 2008 vs. Tecumseh: 26-28L

The sixth week of the season sent Chelsea to unexplored territory: Indian Stadium in Tecumseh.  Yes, Chelsea has been visiting Tecumseh since before the term “indigenous people” was in vogue, but this particular Indian Stadium wasn’t your father’s Indian Stadium.  After the old stadium, a rickety confection of rusting metal, rotting wood and a classic bowl setting much like that of Jerry Niehaus Field, met its end at the hands of an inspector, Tecumseh found itself in the unenviable position of having no home venue for much of the 2008 season.  That sort of nomadic life appeals only to roving bands of gypsies who happen to play football — hey, they may be out there somewhere — so rather than endure the hassle of building new structures on the cramped footprint of the old stadium, Tecumseh put together a new stadium adjacent to its recently-constructed high school.

Nick Dehar had trouble touching his toes…

…And so did Joey Newland.

Don’t worry.  Tom didn’t cut off Tom O’Neill’s hand.

“So…what’s with the black jackets?  Are you trying to be stealthy?”

This particular meeting of the longtime SEC rivals held extra significance for the Bulldogs: last season, a 2-5 Tecumseh team took the field on Chelsea’s homecoming and stole a 28-26 victory out from under a 6-1 Chelsea team.  That unexpected loss stuck in the craw of the Bulldogs, making the 2009 meeting a chance for them to bury last year’s loss under a blanket of triumph.  But that blanket of triumph would have to be oversized to accommodate plenty of points, because like the Railsplitters the week prior, the Indians were coming off a two-game winning streak in which they had scored bundles of points.  And while the Bulldogs had managed to hold Slap Chop Dillon and his minions to a mere nine points, Tecumseh presented a completely different challenge with its stupendously obnoxious Group Hug Offense, an offense whose primary — and maybe only — formation looks exactly like this:

Chelsea received the ball first, so Tecumseh’s Group Hug had to wait on the sidelines for its first chance to hug its way to the end zone.  The good news for Tecumseh is that it had to wait only 44 seconds for its first possession; the bad news was that 44 seconds was all it took Chelsea to put together a three-play scoring drive capped by a Nick Hill 17-yard touchdown run.  In response, the Indians offense also stayed on the field for three plays, but its brief foray into football action ended with a fumble rather than a touchdown.  Chelsea took immediate advantage of the turnover by going four and out, and two plays later, Tecumseh showed its gratitude with an 83-yard touchdown run to cut the Bulldogs’ lead to one.

Chris Ballow isn’t quite Flat Stanley.

Nick Hill can’t hear you!

Brandon Seagraves runs like the wind, even in the rain.

Charlie Hess knows how to kick back and relax.

With the competitive formalities out of the way and the brief rainstorm subsiding, Chelsea proceeded to make the game’s tenor match the teams’ disparate records with touchdowns on all six of its remaining first-half possessions.  Hill scored four of those touchdowns on 15, 32, 3 and 65-yard runs, but he wasn’t the only Bulldog to get in on the fun: Brian Bazydlo scored on a 22-yard run, and Jesse Forner scored on a 69-yard touchdown pass from Brian Paulsen.

Jesse Forner doesn’t need a map to find the end zone.

Paul Ulisse just wanted Nick Hill to know what it feels like to be tall.

Isn’t it nice that the Bulldogs know how to share?

Meanwhile, the Group Hug struggled to find the same affection it had unleashed on its first drive, ending its six remaining first-half possessions with a wide variety of futility.  All told, Tecumseh’s difficulties on both sides of the ball resulted in 40 unanswered Chelsea points and left the Indians in a 47-6 hole at halftime.  As football holes go, that’s a gaping chasm on par with typical Michigan potholes.  And since the Indians’ highest 2009 single-game point total was 46 — a total they achieved in their 46-58 loss to Lincoln — even the rosiest rose-colored Tecumseh glasses couldn’t hide the despondency of the situation.

The Indians didn’t have to wait for the ball in the third quarter, and they made it count with an 83-yard scoring drive to cut into the deficit.  Though the Bulldogs still held a commanding lead, they didn’t want Tecumseh to get any ideas, so they pushed the lead back to 40 with a 32-yard James Rebuldella touchdown.  But Tecumseh got ideas anyway, and those ideas involved scoring three unanswered touchdowns to narrow the 40-point gulf down to an 18-point river with just under five minutes to play.

Nigel Schuh: Football Ninja.

Brian Bazydlo ran fast enough to bleed all the color out of his uniform.

David Slusser can take James Rebuldella higher.

See?  There’s tom O’Neill’s hand right there!

With the Indians threatening to make the game interesting again, Chelsea drove down the field in search of an insurance touchdown, and Joey Newland was just about to score that touchdown when disaster struck in the form of a fumble at the five yard line.  Well, disaster tried to strike, but Zack Foster proved himself to be greater than disaster by recovering the ball in the end zone to effectively seal the victory.  Tecumseh managed to score one more touchdown, but it went for naught but appearances as time expired on a 61-44 Chelsea victory that really wasn’t as close as the score indicated.

Odds & Ends

• With his 207 yards, Nick Hill surpassed 1,000 yards for the third consecutive season.
• Tecumseh ran 37 more offensive plays than Chelsea but gained only 11 more yards.
• Tecumseh installed artificial turf in the new stadium, giving Chelsea one fewer chance to play on natural grass.  This is unfortunate because while turf is all well and good, sometimes the game is better with a few grass or mud stains.  This is also unfortunate because like most schools in the area, Tecumseh included permanent lines for every field sport known to humanity, making the field look busier than a MySpace page.  I know, I know: it’s a matter of practicality.  But it’s still an aesthetic nightmare.

Next Week
Chelsea faces the Dreadnaughts of Dexter; the game is in Dexter on Friday at 7PM.

Freshmen: d. Lincoln 52-14
JV: d. Lincoln 41-35
Varsity: 4-1 (1-1 SEC White)

Varsity 2008 vs. Lincoln: 42-8w

Week 5 brought to Jerry Niehaus Field the Lincoln Railsplitters, a team that had the potential to be either a panacea or a problem.  With the Bulldogs’ week 4 loss to Adrian still fresh in their minds, a game against a historically weak program like Lincoln could prove to be a welcome outlet for the previous week’s frustrations; however, the Railsplitters yet again brought Andrew Dillon, their perennially terrifying quarterback with a well-documented ability to Slap Chop defenses into scrumptious yardage garnishes and tasty touchdown toppings.  Chelsea’s last loss to Lincoln occurred in 1997, which also happened to be Chelsea’s last losing season, but…Dillon, man.  Dillon.

With a little Miracle-Gro, they’ll make fine varsity football players.

The band chose door number C.

The forecast?  Partly cloudy with a chance of cheerleaders.

Wait…why are Nick Hill’s teammates chasing him?

In addition to Dillon’s discomfiting prolificacy, there was another reason to be concerned about Lincoln’s problem potential: the Railsplitters were coming off two consecutive wins, something that hadn’t happened since 1998.  That made the week 5 game a battle between Chelsea’s anger and Lincoln’s happiness, sort of like a battle between Nirvana and the B-52’s but without the angst-ridden drama and Fran Drescher-like shrillness.  I know that sounds inconceivably unbearable, but don’t worry: there’s no soundtrack to this football game.  In any case, between future Green Machine Nick Hill and Slap Chop Dillon, many fans expected the press box staff to be busy frantically adding points to both sides of the scoreboard.

Is that Chris Spielman he’s blocking?  No…probably not.

He’s going to make the tackle!

On second thought…

…No, no he’s not.

Nirva…uh, I mean, Chelsea received the ball to start the game, and the first drive was no surprise to anybody: Nick Hill carried the ball on seven of the drive’s ten plays, gained 47 of the drive’s 64 yards, and scored one of the drive’s one touchdowns.  Likewise, Lincoln’s first drive was no surprise to anybody: Andrew Dillon carried or threw the ball on 12 of the drive’s 14 plays and scored one of the drive’s one touchdowns.  But the extra point didn’t Railsplit the uprights — oh, come on, you saw that one coming — so Chelsea still held a one-point lead.

Alex Cuper would make a tackle for a Klondike Bar.

Cal Bauer vs. Andrew Dillon: Bauer wins.  Obviously.

Here, Brian Paulsen is handing the ball to Chelsea’s invisible running back.

After the completely predictable scoring drives, each team broke tendencies by…punting?  Whoa.  That was weird.  Are there points associated with punts?  No?  Well…okay.  Just don’t let it happen again.  And not only did the Bulldogs not let it happen again, but they didn’t let it happen again very quickly: on the fourth play after Lincoln’s punt, Hill took the ball 54 yards for a touchdown.  That brief scoring drive unleashed a flurry of second-quarter touchdowns by Chelsea:

• A 42-yard Jesse Forner run set up another Hill touchdown
• A two-yard punt — yes, you read that right — set up another Hill touchdown
• A Brandon French interception set up Hill for his fifth touchdown of the half, giving Chelsea a 35-6 halftime lead

All told, Chelsea totaled four scores in eight minutes, a feat whose description sounds vaguely Lincolnian — Alanis thinks that’s ironic — and which prompted the Railsplitter coach to deliver this halftime speech that may or may not be a completely fictional speech I heard with my own two imaginations:

“Four score and eight minutes ago, our fathers brought forth on this field a competitive football game, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that both teams have a chance to win.  Now we are engaged in a great blowout, testing whether that football game, or any football game so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure.”

Fortunately, Brandon French didn’t lose his head during this tackle.

Jesse Forner was perplexed to find Lincoln playing watch football instead of tackle football.

Five!  Five dollar!  Five dollar football!

With that stirring Niehausburg Address on the books, the second half quickly looked much like the second quarter: Lincoln punted the ball away, and after a 41-yard Mason Borders catch set up Chelsea at the three yard line, Brian Bazydlo picked up where Hill left off with a touchdown run.  But after another set of punts, the streak of 35 consecutive Chelsea points ended early in the fourth quarter when Lincoln kicked a field goal to trim the Bulldogs’ lead to 33.

Brian Bazydlo appreciates your input, but he’s going to score anyway.

“Hey, is that a Gucci belt?  Can I look at it?”

Megan Fox has yet to comment on these allegations.

Though that gasp proved to be the Railsplitters’ last, the Bulldogs weren’t content to let them write the final entry on the scoreboard; after a drive featuring large doses of James Rebuldella, Tyler Frank scored the game’s last touchdown on a 14-yard run.  Lincoln’s last possession fell victim to an expiring clock, and the Bulldogs put themselves back in a winning mood with a 49-9 victory.

Odds & Ends

• The Railsplitters dominated the battle of time of possession, holding the ball for nearly 33 of the game’s 48 minutes, but they still lost by 40 points.  How did that happen?  First: Lincoln’s two scoring drives consumed more than 13 minutes.  Second: five of Chelsea’s seven scoring drives consumed less than a minute each.  Specifically, it took only 2:58 of possession time to score those five touchdowns.

Next Week:
Chelsea faces the Indians of Tecumseh; the game is in Tecumseh on Friday at 7:00PM.

Freshmen: d. Adrian 49-42
JV: d. by Adrian 13-19
Varsity: 3-1 (0-1 SEC White)

Varsity 2008 vs. Adrian: 41-31w

The SEC’s rampant expansion and realignment wrought yet another change to Chelsea’s world: Adrian, a burgeoning rival of the Bulldogs, moved from the big-boned SEC Red to the svelte SEC White, making the Maples a direct conference rival.  That meant Chelsea’s week 4 encounter with Adrian wasn’t just a game featuring two of the SEC’s better teams; in Adrian’s first season in the SEC White, it was a clash of two of the favorites to win the division.  Seriously, it was a big game: though more than half the season still remained, this game promised to go a long way in deciding the SEC White champion.  A game of that magnitude might have attracted bushels and pecks of hype, but since this particular Game of Awesome didn’t involve a team from Ann Arbor, four or maybe five people outside Chelsea and Adrian knew there was a game.

Chelsea entered the game undefeated, but Adrian didn’t have such good fortune: the Leaves fell to Saline in overtime in their week 2 non-conference conference game.  But the schedule smiled on Adrian following that loss by providing a week 3 stress ball in the form of perennially hapless Dexter, and a convincing victory put the Fronds back in a winning mindset just in time for their trip to Jerry Niehaus Field.

“Good game…good game…good game…good game…”

How powerful is Blake Blaha?  When he does jumping jacks, the earth tilts.

All Coach Bush said was, “Who wants a fist bump?”

Despite its extraordinary amount of almost-hype, the game started just like every other game: with a kickoff.  This particular kickoff landed in the arms of a Not-Toronto Leaf, a fact Chelsea regretted when, twelve plays and 78 yards later, Adrian took a 7-0 lead.  After a Chelsea punt, the Maples had hopes of staging another lengthy scoring drive; however, they forgot one minor detail: scoring requires possession.  The Fronds handed the ball back to Chelsea by way of a fumble only three plays into the drive, a mistake they regretted when, on the very next play, the Bulldog offense went one and WOOOOO! with a Nick Hill twenty yard touchdown run.

With the score evened and the scores odd, the Chelsea defense dug in its heels and forced a three and out.  That set up a 37-yard catch by Chris Ballow, which set up a 14-yard catch by Ballow, which set up a 26-yard touchdown run by Hill to give the Bulldogs their first lead of the game.  A missed extra point limited the lead to six points, but a lead is a superiority is an ascendancy, so I wasn’t complaining.  The local happiness continued with another Adrian three and out — or, as the cool kids call it, a throut — and Charlie Hess finished a drive with a 29-yard field goal to extend the lead to 16-7.

This is totally going on YouTube.

No, Dakota Cooley isn’t angry with you.  Not yet, anyway.

A Dakota Cooley interception prompted further optimism, but the ensuing drive ended in a punt, and that led to trouble for the Bulldogs.  Buoyed by good field position and the scent of touchdowns in the cool autumn air, the Leaves strolled down the field and scored with only seventeen seconds left in the half.  Chelsea’s lead was down to a mere two, and as halftime loomed, it was obvious: the SEC White Game of Awesome was indeed proving to be awesome.

Scott Devol has always been the affectionate type.

Is Brian Paulsen purposely posing like the Statue of Liberty?  Nobody knows.

Chelsea received the second half kick with intentions of replicating Adrian’s first drive, but fourth and long tends to get in the way of that sort of thing.  And when the punt team took the field, the Bulldogs suffered from the first of their two Blue Screens of Death: the snap sailed over punter Nate Udell’s head, giving the Fronds possession inside Chelsea’s 20.  The Bulldog defense stood tall, holding Adrian out of the end zone, but the damage was done: the Maples reclaimed the lead with a short field goal.

Irked by the essentially free points they’d just handed Adrian, Chelsea put together a 13-play, 87-yard drive and emphatically snatched back the lead with a one-yard touchdown run by Brian Paulsen.  Another missed extra point held the lead at five, but it didn’t seem to be a big deal; after another Adrian throut, the Bulldogs made the Maple defense look practically invisible as they effortlessly marched inside the ten yard line.  All was well and good for Chelsea — until the second Blue Screen of Death struck.  On first and goal from the three, Hill fumbled the ball, and it ended up in the arms of a pleasantly surprised Adrian defender.

Chris Ballow was tackled by the terrifying two-headed three-legged defensive monster.

“Get that camera out of my face!”

Nick Hill prefers not to share.

Though the turnover was a boon for the Fronds, it left them with nearly the entire field to cover for a go-ahead touchdown — a task made more daunting by their offense’s surprising dormancy in the third quarter.  (Would you believe Adrian didn’t gain a single first down the entire third quarter?)  But to the great dismay of the Chelsea faithful, the Leaves lumbered down the field, devouring both yardage and time on their march towards the end zone.  The Bulldog defense provided a glimmer of hope when, facing first and goal on the two, it stiffened and forced Adrian into fourth and goal from the four; however, the fourth-down pass was complete for the touchdown, giving the Maples the lead once again.  A successful two-point conversion pushed Adrian’s lead to three, leaving Chelsea four minutes to find enough points to stay in the game.

The final drive had a promising beginning as Chelsea moved to the Adrian 42 with 1:30 to play; with two timeouts left, the Bulldogs seemed certain at least to attempt a game-tying field goal before time expired.  However, the drive died at the 37 when the Maple defense sacked Paulsen on fourth down.  Adrian failed to gain a first down, but it didn’t matter; when their final punt was downed, the clock read all zeros on Chelsea’s first loss of the season.

Odds & Ends

• Chief among the many frustrations of this loss was this: statistically, Chelsea outperformed Adrian in nearly every category.  But the two missed extra points and the two Blue Screens of Death, along with Adrian’s backbreaking fourth-quarter drive, doomed the Bulldogs.
• The field turned into a bit of a hospital ward: as the game wore on, a number of players were limping, one Adrian player was taken off on the cart, and one Chelsea player was missing a chunk of his lip.  Also, Nick Hill was fighting cramps the entire second half.
• Despite the loss and his painful cramps, Hill had a productive evening: he rushed 37 times for 222 yards and 2 touchdowns.

Next Week
The Bulldogs face the Railsplitters of Lincoln; the game is in Chelsea on Friday at 7:00PM.

Freshmen: def. Skyline 28-20
JV: def. Ypsilanti 44-0
Varsity 2009: 3-0 (1-0 SEC White)

Varsity 2007 vs. Ypsilanti: 26-14w

Week 3 featured another first-ever SEC game for the Bulldogs, this time against the Ypsilanti Name-Changers.  Unlike last week’s game against Monroe, this was only a first-ever conference game: Chelsea’s first-ever game against Ypsilanti occurred at the Big Day Prep Showdown in 2007, a game Chelsea won, 26-14.  Also unlike last week’s game, this would not be an irregular occurrence: while Monroe joined the big-boned SEC Red, the Name-Changers joined the more svelte SEC White, making the 2009 game the first of many annual conference meetings to come.

When they asked who was ready for some football, Conor Townsend responded enthusiastically.

There’s no humor here.  The flag was at half-mast because it was 9/11.

Beware the steely gaze of cheerleaders.

One of the challenges for a strong team like Chelsea is maintaining its intensity for games it’s expected to win, and this game was no exception: the coaches found reason to be irked at the team’s lackadaisical approach to pregame routines, and the futility of the Bulldogs’ first drive didn’t warm the cockles of anyone’s heart.  But the defense forced Ypsi into a poor punt — seriously, it didn’t even cross the line of scrimmage, so it was more of an intentional fumble than a punt — and Nick Hill defibrillated the Chelsea sideline with a 40-yard touchdown run to give the Bulldogs a 7-0 lead.

Isn’t it obvious?  Cal Bauer’s favorite song is Van Halen’s “Jump.”

“I know it’s after Labor Day, but we’re the visitors, so we have to wear white anyway.”

In the battle between punters and Zak Giller…well, it’s really not much of a battle.

Another short Ypsilanti possession gave Chelsea the ball on the sunny side of the 50, and Hill finished the drive with a three-yard touchdown run.  His second touchdown of the game happened to be his last: with the game’s writing quite legible on the wall, Hill became a spectator.  A Michigan State-bound spectator who accumulated 98 yards and two touchdowns in less than 10 minutes, but a spectator nonetheless.  (Don’t worry, Chelsea fans: he’s fine.)

Staring sternly at Nick Hill isn’t the same as tackling Nick Hill.

Nick Hill is on a fast bicycle to nowhere.

Trevor Mattson tried to stow away, but the trip ended quickly.

The writing on the wall seemed to become a bit less legible when Ypsilanti marched down to Chelsea’s 14, but Dakota Cooley quashed the Name-Changers’ uprising with a timely interception in the end zone; with that comeback nonsense out of the way, the Bulldogs cleared up the writing with an 80-yard drive capped by a 19-yard touchdown catch by Mason Borders.  As the end of the first half approached, Ypsilanti threatened to score once more; however, the threat and the half ended with a sack by Trevor Mattson, and Chelsea’s 21-0 lead settled down to enjoy the halftime show.

“Is that the football field?  I’ll remember this time, I swear!”

Isn’t that nice?  Bobby Hall is helping him down to the ground.

The third quarter was largely uneventful for eleven and a half minutes, but Ypsilanti ruined the monotony with 15-yard touchdown pass that cut the lead to 21-6.  The trend of excitement continued in short order with a Chelsea touchdown courtesy of a 38-yard reception by Chris Ballow; not to be outdone, Ypsilanti added a second touchdown, and the suddenly-exhausted scoreboard gasped to a 28-12 Chelsea lead.  After a six-minute respite filled with punts and turnovers on downs — well, okay, just one of each — the scoreboard had to work just once more as Chelsea ended the evening’s scoring with a two-yard Joey Newland touchdown run.  After the totally unremarkable final 90 seconds of the game unremarkably expired, the Bulldogs boarded the buses with a 35-12 victory in hand.

Odds & Ends

• The game was played on the eighth anniversary of 9/11.
• The foofaraw over Ypsilanti High School’s mascot ended with a new mascot (the Phoenix) chosen by the school board — the board inexplicably rejected the students’ choice of the Royals — but to the joy of many alumni, not all vestiges of the Braves mascot have been expunged: the water tower that looms over Shadford Field still proclaims Ypsilanti to be the “Home of the Braves.”
• Chelsea accumulated 9 penalties, but that was an improvement over both the first and second games (11 and 12 penalties, respectively).
• A helicopter from Detroit’s Channel 7 circled the game for ten minutes, shooting video for that evening’s 11:00 news broadcast.  Thanks to its presence, the Detroit TV market got to see a Chelsea touchdown on the 11:00 news.

Next Week:
The Bulldogs take on the Adrian Maples.  The game is in Chelsea on Friday at 7PM.

Freshmen: d. Monroe 21-20
JV: d. Monroe 39-6
Varsity 2009: 2-0 (0-0 SEC White)

Varsity 2008 vs. Monroe: n/a

The last decade has brought considerable change to the Southeastern Conference, one of the most recent of which was the addition of Monroe High School.  The SEC is split into Red and White divisions based on school size, and Monroe’s enrollment of more than 2,000 students — more than twice that of Chelsea — compelled its placement in the big-boned SEC Red; however, the strange concept of non-conference conference games still managed to put Monroe on Chelsea’s schedule in week 2.

In an effort to promote a positive attitude, the Chelsea training staff is enforcing a mandatory thumbs-up policy.

They just keep coming!  It’s like the plague of locusts, but without the plague or the locusts.

Nigel Schuh is in the Red Sea.  But not that Red Sea.

What made this game more appealing was its unmistakable new-series smell: the first ever SEC meeting between Chelsea and Monroe also happened to be the first ever meeting…uh…ever.  (Ever ever.  Ever?  Ever!)  The comfortable malevolence of well-worn rivalries is the lifeblood of sports, but the occasional first-ever game provides a refreshing dose of unfamiliarity to contrast with the established rhythm of games against old-school foes like Saline or Dexter.  Like an Ohio State student walking into a classroom, Chelsea found itself walking into an unknown environment in Monroe, and it was exciting.  (Of course, that Ohio State student doesn’t find his scholastic unfamiliarity exciting, but no analogy is perfect.)

Nick Hill just can’t shake the feeling somebody is after him.

Not even the glare of the setting sun can prevent Brad Bush from glaring in your direction.

Mason Borders may look like he’s trying to play an invisible violin, but he’s actually catching a touchdown pass.

Illegal…elbow to the face?

Though Monroe may have been entirely unfamiliar, Chelsea’s approach to its first drive was as familiar and comfortable as Linus’ blanket: Nick Hill carried the ball seven times in the drive’s eleven plays, the last of which was a two-yard touchdown run.  A few technical difficulties on the extra point held Chelsea’s lead at six, but 6 > 0, and nine out of ten mathematicians agree: being on the greater-than end of the expression is the best possible start in a new venue.  (The tenth mathematician must have been the trepidatious Ohio State student.)  After the defense multiplied Monroe by zero, the Bulldogs celebrated offensive diversity with a 32-yard touchdown catch by Mason Borders for a 13-0 lead.

I could continue to describe the first half, but there’s an easy way to simplify this narrative.  Here’s a handy summary of Monroe’s first-half drives:

1. Monroe obtained the ball, and
2. Monroe gave the ball back to Chelsea.

And here’s a handy summary of Chelsea’s first-half drives:

1. Chelsea obtained the ball, and
2. Chelsea scored.

Whee!

It was at this moment Conor Townsend began to regret stapling his opponent’s hands to his jersey.

“Maybe I shouldn’t have told him he’d have to go through me to get to the end zone.”

You may think I’m exaggerating or being lazy or exaggerating lazily, but with one exception, it’s true: each of Monroe’s six first-half drives ended with a punt or a turnover on downs, while all but one of Chelsea’s six first-half drives ended with touchdowns.  Hill scored his second of the game on a 45-yard run, Borders scored his second on a 5-yard pass, and Chris Ballow used his 71-yard reception to set himself up for a six-yard run to give Chelsea a 34-0 halftime lead.

Sometimes Joe Tripodi needs a snack.

“If I’m going down,” thought Andrew Nold, “I’m taking this guy with me.”

“Hey, could you get me a Dr. Pepper?  Thanks.”

With the scoreboard tilted firmly in Chelsea’s direction and Monroe futilely spinning its wheels like Cameron’s Ferrari, the second half loomed as a steady march toward a Bulldog victory; however, the Trojans, unwilling to go gentle into that good night, opened the third quarter with a rousing eight-minute, 16-play, 75-yard touchdown drive to narrow Chelsea’s lead from a commanding 34 points to a mostly assertive 27 points.  But the touchdown’s feel-good moment proved to be Monroe’s only incursion into happiness: the Chelsea defense allowed the Trojans only 26 yards through the rest of the second half.

Meanwhile, though the Chelsea offense didn’t maintain its blistering first half scoring pace (83 percent!), it wasn’t entirely done; after two drives ended in punts, Tyler Frank scored on a two-yard touchdown with just under three minutes to play.  Finally, after a Charlie Hess interception brought Monroe’s final drive to a close, Frank knelt to zero out the clock on a 41-7 Chelsea victory.

Odds & Ends

• The win over Monroe was Brad Bush’s 100th win as Chelsea’s head coach.  He reached the milestone in just over 12 seasons, which means he’s averaging over 8 wins a season; his record at Chelsea stands at 100-31, giving him a winning percentage of .763.
• Chelsea had no fumbles.  No, I don’t mean Chelsea didn’t lose any fumbles; I mean Chelsea had no fumbles at all.  Hooray for ball security!
• Thanks in large part to that eight-minute drive, Monroe actually had the edge in possession time (25:36 to 22:24).  Taking two-thirds of an entire quarter to score certainly helps boost possession time!  Unfortunately, taking two-thirds of an entire quarter to score in the face of a 34-point deficit doesn’t boost chances of victory.
• Since Monroe is in the SEC Red, Chelsea may not face the Trojans again for a while; the other Red teams have to cycle through Chelsea’s non-conference conference schedule, too.
• Check out the full gallery of game photos.

Next Week

Chelsea faces the [insert mascot here] of Ypsilanti; the game is in Ypsilanti at 7PM.  (Which…uh…means it already happened.  But just pretend this post happened before the Ypsi game, okay?)