The Chelsea Fair doesn’t ease into the excitement: the first night of the fair features one of three nights of the fantastic demolition derby. I’ve been going to the demolition derby at the Chelsea Fair for as long as I can remember, and I wouldn’t think of missing it. Watching cars smash into each other until only one can move? I’M THERE. It’s like my life, but on purpose.

To keep speeds at a vaguely reasonable level, this classic old Dodge fire truck wets down the arena before the first heat.

As this is a sporting event in the United States of America, it’s prefaced by the national anthem. This respectful gentleman is one of the referees. When he’s not standing with his hat over his heart, he’s responsible for (among other things) enforcing the rules of the derby, keeping track of which cars have been disqualified and stopping the action when there’s a problem (usually either a fire or a dangerous part of a car lying loose in the arena).

This gentleman wanted the crowd to get excited.

The crowd obeyed.

Remember when the library had kids paint the car it was sponsoring? This was the final product.

Remember: reading can take you anywhere, kids — even into a demolition derby. That’s especially useful because you can’t actually drive in a demolition derby until you’re an adult. Sorry. We adults have to save some of the fun for ourselves, you know.

If you want pretty cars, a demolition derby is not the place for you.

This kind of fire is acceptable and, in fact, very common:

Last year one car had flames shooting out its exhaust pipes the entire time, and just a couple minutes into the heat the pipes were so hot they were glowing red. It was wonderful.

It’s also very common for radiators to break on impact:

As seen above, it’s often spectacular. It’s usually accompanied by a hilarious “FOOM!” sound that draws everybody’s attention.

See? It’s spectacular!

Some of the cars feature creative paint jobs:

You have to enjoy them before the heat starts, though, because the paint jobs inevitably get covered in layers of mud and destruction.

Yes, the red car was still moving at this point. You might be surprised at how much a car can be destroyed and yet still move. You can thank your local automotive engineer for that.

Not all radiator problems involve the “FOOM!” and the cloud of steam. Sometimes a pipe gets knocked off and starts spraying steam:

That would probably be a lot more amazing if it actually helped propel the car, but it doesn’t. It just looks cool. It might help take the wrinkles out of your clothes, too, if you could get your clothes near it. But if you think it’s a good idea to take your clean clothes into the middle of a demolition derby just to get rid of the wrinkles, you have far greater problems than wrinkles.

Here’s where that red car stopped moving:

Why did it stop? Well, take a look at the smoke pouring from its front tire. The tire let loose from the wheel, so the wheel was just spinning freely inside the tire. It’s like one of those silly spinner rims, but it’s at least 50% more functional.

It was a beautiful evening for the demolition derby:

Yes, I know you’re sad you weren’t able to be there. Maybe you shouldn’t let than happen next year, eh?

Hey, here’s a question: what happens when you get old and grow facial hair?

You get a white baird! Okay, okay. Sorry. That was terrible.

Seriously, though, occasionally there’s a fire that requires the firefighters’ attention. When that happens the car is disqualified and the driver exits to sympathetic applause. For some reason in this case the car was cleared to continue, but a few minutes later it required more attention from the firefighters:

At that point they deemed the car unfit to continue and the driver made a hasty exit.

What’s that? You’re disappointed to see the derby photos end? Why, you’re in luck: those aren’t the last derby photos! I spent the next evening at the derby as well, so there’s another set to come. Stay tuned.