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Photo of the Seek Shelter Now: 24 August 2011

Wednesday night was the second night of the demolition derby. It also happened to be a day of spectacular weather. When I arrived to stake out my spot, there were  beautiful storm clouds just past the fairgrounds.

Unfortunately for all of us spectators waiting for the derby to start, those weren’t the last storm clouds in the sky. Not long after I took that photo, the sky got angrier than Brian Kelly after another Notre Dame turnover. The result was a downpour accompanied by uncomfortably close lightning strikes and deafening thunder.

After taking shelter and enduring the storm, we were treated to more gorgeous clouds.

After a delay to let the storm pass, the derby started. It was a little muddier than usual thanks to the deluge, but it was still plenty of fun.

After a couple heats, yet another intense storm began to move into the area. For a while we were just past the edge of the storm, and the frequent flashes of lightning provided a spectacular backdrop for the derby. The following is one of my favorite photos I’ve ever taken, and it came courtesy of the fisheye lens I’d bought just a few days earlier.

A few minutes after I took that photo, the lightning strikes again became uncomfortably close, so I decided it was time to head to my car. This turned out to be wise: just as I reached my car, the heavens opened up yet again. I sat in my car for about fifteen minutes listening to the rain pelt my car and watching the lightning flash directly overhead with astounding frequency. To put my time to good use, I shot more photos through my windshield with my fisheye lens. These weren’t nearly as good as the above photo, but they’re still worth posting.

Sometimes the lightning was behind the clouds, making for eerie photos…

…and sometimes it was front and center.

When the rain let up a little bit, I headed home. But while the rain stopped by the time I got home, the divine fireworks were still going strong. When I arrived home, the lightning was over the field behind my house, so I spent a few more minutes getting photos of the remarkable storm. This was the best of the bunch:

Neither one of those light sources is the moon. Was it a ridiculous display of lightning? Yeah, it was ridiculous.

Photo of the Demolition Derby Now: 23 August 2011

The Chelsea Fair doesn’t ease into the excitement: the first night of the fair features one of three nights of the fantastic demolition derby. I’ve been going to the demolition derby at the Chelsea Fair for as long as I can remember, and I wouldn’t think of missing it. Watching cars smash into each other until only one can move? I’M THERE. It’s like my life, but on purpose.

To keep speeds at a vaguely reasonable level, this classic old Dodge fire truck wets down the arena before the first heat.

As this is a sporting event in the United States of America, it’s prefaced by the national anthem. This respectful gentleman is one of the referees. When he’s not standing with his hat over his heart, he’s responsible for (among other things) enforcing the rules of the derby, keeping track of which cars have been disqualified and stopping the action when there’s a problem (usually either a fire or a dangerous part of a car lying loose in the arena).

This gentleman wanted the crowd to get excited.

The crowd obeyed.

Remember when the library had kids paint the car it was sponsoring? This was the final product.

Remember: reading can take you anywhere, kids — even into a demolition derby. That’s especially useful because you can’t actually drive in a demolition derby until you’re an adult. Sorry. We adults have to save some of the fun for ourselves, you know.

If you want pretty cars, a demolition derby is not the place for you.

This kind of fire is acceptable and, in fact, very common:

Last year one car had flames shooting out its exhaust pipes the entire time, and just a couple minutes into the heat the pipes were so hot they were glowing red. It was wonderful.

It’s also very common for radiators to break on impact:

As seen above, it’s often spectacular. It’s usually accompanied by a hilarious “FOOM!” sound that draws everybody’s attention.

See? It’s spectacular!

Some of the cars feature creative paint jobs:

You have to enjoy them before the heat starts, though, because the paint jobs inevitably get covered in layers of mud and destruction.

Yes, the red car was still moving at this point. You might be surprised at how much a car can be destroyed and yet still move. You can thank your local automotive engineer for that.

Not all radiator problems involve the “FOOM!” and the cloud of steam. Sometimes a pipe gets knocked off and starts spraying steam:

That would probably be a lot more amazing if it actually helped propel the car, but it doesn’t. It just looks cool. It might help take the wrinkles out of your clothes, too, if you could get your clothes near it. But if you think it’s a good idea to take your clean clothes into the middle of a demolition derby just to get rid of the wrinkles, you have far greater problems than wrinkles.

Here’s where that red car stopped moving:

Why did it stop? Well, take a look at the smoke pouring from its front tire. The tire let loose from the wheel, so the wheel was just spinning freely inside the tire. It’s like one of those silly spinner rims, but it’s at least 50% more functional.

It was a beautiful evening for the demolition derby:

Yes, I know you’re sad you weren’t able to be there. Maybe you shouldn’t let than happen next year, eh?

Hey, here’s a question: what happens when you get old and grow facial hair?

You get a white baird! Okay, okay. Sorry. That was terrible.

Seriously, though, occasionally there’s a fire that requires the firefighters’ attention. When that happens the car is disqualified and the driver exits to sympathetic applause. For some reason in this case the car was cleared to continue, but a few minutes later it required more attention from the firefighters:

At that point they deemed the car unfit to continue and the driver made a hasty exit.

What’s that? You’re disappointed to see the derby photos end? Why, you’re in luck: those aren’t the last derby photos! I spent the next evening at the derby as well, so there’s another set to come. Stay tuned.

Photo of the Chelsea Fair Kids Parade Now: 23 August 2011

The long-running much-beloved hyphenatedly-described Chelsea Community Fair is the officially unofficially official end of summer in Chelsea. It always opens during the day on Tuesday, but it doesn’t truly open until early evening, when the kids parade arrives at the fairgrounds after winding its way through the side streets of Chelsea.

The parade is led by the previous year’s fair queen.

Trailing the previous year’s queen and this year’s candidates is the middle school band.

After the band came the flood of kids. Seriously, it was a flood of kids. There were a lot of kids in the parade.

I can’t tell if he was happy to see me and waving to the camera or if he was saying “Oh, go fly a kite” and waving me away. I’m pretty sure it was the former, but…well, kids these days, right? Get off my lawn and all. (For the record: he was happily waving.)

They should make an adult version of that bike. We old folks like fun things, too!

The stream of kids seemed practically endless. That was partly because there were a lot of kids in the parade and mostly because there were even more mosquitoes out for dinner than there were kids in the parade.

I’ve long felt Barbie made it difficult for the average child to relate to her, what with her Cadillac SUV and her big dream house and whatnot. Shouldn’t there be a Studio Apartment Barbie who lives in an okay-but-not-luxurious apartment building and drives a 1998 Ford Escort with 190,000 miles on it? The whole world isn’t pink and rich, Barbie.

That child’s identity has been hidden to protect the innocent. Wait, what? You’re not buying that? Okay, fine. I didn’t notice until later that I’d timed the shot all wrong and obscured his face. But I’m including this photo to remind you that Cloudy With A Chance For Meatballs is one of the greatest kids books ever written, and that you should never ever mention the atrocity that was that awful movie by the same title. I prefer to believe the movie never existed. The book is fantastic, people. Stick with the book. Do it for the children. (Because, you know, it’s a kids book.)

When the parade arrived at the fairgrounds, there were more activities for the kids. One such activity was the trike pull.

This was just a fun not-for-competitive-profit activity, but the fair does have a competitive trike pull. I didn’t photograph it this year, so you’ll just have to show up to next year’s fair to watch it.

Stay tuned for more fair photos!

Photo of the Hockey Skills Clinic Now: 20 August 2011

Chelsea’s Arctic Coliseum hosted a hockey skills clinic put on by the Fellowship of Christian Athletes. This clinic was notable for two reasons:

1)My nephew signed up for it, and
2)Brian Rafalski was one of the instructors.

Who’s Brian Rafalski, you ask? Gasp! Obviously you don’t follow hockey here in Michigan. Brian Rafalski is a Dearborn native who was a part of three Stanley Cup-winning teams in his highly successful NHL career. The first two Cups were with the New Jersey Devils, and the last was with his hometown Detroit Red Wings. He retired from hockey this past spring.

So…yeah, a hockey skills clinic with Rafalski as an instructor is a Very Big Deal. The man knows his hockey skills.

This is my nephew.

It was a very humid day outside, and to make matters worse, a storm dumped a bunch of rain down during the clinic. What happens inside an ice arena when it’s absurdly humid outside?

Fog. Lots of fog. Visibility was good for a while after the Zamboni ran, but eventually the fog took over again.

Here, an instructor outlines a drill.

Here, an instructor listens as the other instructor outlines a drill.

That instructor is Brian Rafalski. Everybody say hi to Mr. Rafalski.

Here’s Mr. Rafalski with some of my family in the background.

Yes, I took that picture very much on purpose. Okay, so it’s not my family with Rafalski…but it’s my family in the same frame as Rafalski. Close enough.

Of course, I also got a photo of my nephew on the ice with Rafalski.

And finally, here’s the whole set of instructors.

I’ve made a bit of a Big Deal over Rafalski’s presence because he’s such a well-known hockey player, but I don’t want to shortchange the rest of the staff. The clinic was very (VERY) well-run, and that’s a credit to every man on the ice. If you have an FCA-run hockey camp in your area and you have a child who plays hockey, I’d encourage you to take advantage of it.

It Takes 11: Week 1 vs Novi

Freshmen: d. 20-35 by Novi
JV:  d. 40-47 by Novi

Varsity 2011 record: 1-0 (0-0 SEC White)

The Enemy:
Opponent: Novi
Colors: Green and white
Color Scheme Attractiveness Rating (0-10, 10 being highly attractive): 0 — as a Michigan fan I’m morally obligated to ridicule this color scheme.
Mascot: Wildcats
Interesting Mascot Rating (0-10, 10 being highly interesting): 0 — you take the wildcat as a mascot to blend into the crowd, not to be interesting.
Last Year’s Record: 5-4
Previous Result vs. Chelsea: 14-28 loss (2006)
Last 10 years vs. Chelsea: 2-3

The Game:
First quarter:
Chelsea kicked off to Novi to start the game, but that’s where the generosity ended: Novi went three and out and attempted a punt. Attempted? Yes, attempted: Truman Hadley changed it from a punt to an unconditional surrender by blocking the punt. Unfortunately, Chelsea managed only a field goal. A few minutes later a short Chelsea punt set up Novi for a one-play, 30-yard touchdown drive. This gave Novi only a 6-3 lead thanks to a postmodern extra point that defied the social construct of the uprights. The rest of the quarter was a tug of war that nobody won.

Second quarter:
The quarter break rudely interrupted a promising Chelsea drive. The second quarter began with four consecutive carries by Berkley Edwards, the last of which was a 13-yard touchdown run. Chelsea kicker Zack Rabbitt embraced the objective truth of the uprights to give Chelsea a 10-6 lead. Dominic Davis ended another bout of tug of war with an interception to set Chelsea up inside the Novi 30. Faced with a fourth and goal from the one, Berkley Edwards again took the ball into the end zone, and Chelsea carried a 17-6 lead into halftime.

Halftime!

Om nom nom nom nom.


Twirler? Tightrope walker? You make the call.

Third quarter:
Chelsea’s first drive of the second half stalled, but that’s okay: Max Giller grabbed an interception and gave Chelsea the ball at the Novi 15. Can you guess who scored a touchdown on the next play? No, not Billy Sims, though that would have been exciting. Instead, Berkley Edwards carried the ball 15 yards for his third touchdown of the evening. The stout Chelsea defense forced another punt after a three and out, but a muff on the receiving end gave Novi another chance…to punt again after another three and out. More tug of war filled out the rest of the quarter.

Fourth quarter:
With Chelsea in Lloyd Carr’s Patented Protect The Lead mode, much of the fourth quarter was filled with tug of war. But with four minutes to play, Novi finally managed to return Chelsea’s opening-drive favor by blocking a punt. One minute later Novi finally found the end zone again. The two-point attempt failed, but Chelsea’s lead was down to 12. Chelsea fans grew a bit nervous when Novi recovered the ensuing onside kick, but the Bulldog defense shut down the drive in short order and handed the ball back to the offense with 2:10 to play. Andy Nelson’s 11-yard run gave Chelsea all the downs it needed to seal its season-opening 24-12 victory.

The Stats:
•Chelsea gained a total of 202 yards, 184 of which were on the ground.
•Berkley Edwards gained 119 yards and three touchdowns on 25 carries.
•The Chelsea defense held Novi to exactly zero third- and fourth-down conversions. Novi was 0-11 on third-downs and 0-3 on fourth downs.

The Images:

Max was concerned the lines on the field might not be straight. After close examination, he decided they were indeed sufficiently straight.


Chad’s number one! Chad’s number one!

On Novi’s first drive, Max Giller broke up a pass with a solid and perfectly-timed hit on the receiver. Here’s how it looked:


Hey, Truman: the old Bell slogan was “Reach out and touch someone,” not “Reach out and touch some punt.”


Michael and Sean sang a lovely duet.


Aaaaaaahhhhhh! The mosquitoes are atta…oh, wait. Those are just rubber pellets from the turf.


Apparently Novi plays helmet-optional football.


Together, Jack and Michael are a good time for lunch.


It seems Dominic has acquired the skill of levitation, too!


Dominic: this season’s most fashionable belt.


No, Dominic. That’s not what they mean by “hip hop”.


Jarred is good at avoiding the sackarazzi.


Novi must have taken a coffee break.


The Berkley Express: now arriving at the end zone.


Say hello to Cody’s not-so-little friend.


Happiness is an opening-week victory.


Where there is victory, there are cheerleaders.


Cody must have been watching an episode of the Cosby Show.


All the cool kids are having their pictures taken with Berkley.


Watch out, Coach Bush: I think Sean wants that trophy.


So…many…Bulldogs…

Next week:
Chelsea takes on the Trojans of East Lansing. The game is in Chelsea at 7pm on Friday.

Photo of the Football Scrimmage Now: 18 August 2011

Chelsea football hosted its annual preseason scrimmage. Like last year, the scrimmage also featured Grand Ledge, Monroe Jefferson and former SEC rival Pinckney.

It was a beautiful day for football. It was also a beautiful day to try out my new fisheye lens.

Whoa. That’s…uh…whoa. This could be fun.

Since it’s a scrimmage, there are coaches being all coachy all over the field.

I don’t know why Coach Fanning is smiling, but I think it’s because he sees my camera pointed at him.*

*(No I don’t.)

Jarred, one of the color-confused quarterbacks, used his foot to make sure the field had enough little rubber pellets.

Yeah, I guess he was throwing the ball, too. Whatever.

How would I rate this block? Well…

I’d give it a 10.

Here, a Bulldog ball carrier makes eye contact with a defender in an effort to humanize himself to the defender.

Unfortunately, his efforts to calm the defender’s violent human nature nature were unsuccessful.

Another Bulldog ball carrier had to fend off an insatiable autograph seeker.

Later, the Bulldog defense got to return the favor by swarming a Pinckney ball carrier.

I’m certain they got his autograph.

Do Bulldogs prowl? Because this one looks like he’s on the prowl.

Though he may be on the prowl, I think bulldogs tend to be on the jowl more than the prowl.

Hey, look! Another autograph session!

However, the Bulldogs continued to be stingy with their autographs.

Logan, satisfied with Jarred’s census of the little rubber pellets, concentrated on throwing the ball.

As the evening progressed, Alex improved his ability to avoid autograph seekers.

Meanwhile, I don’t know what noise was happening in the end zone, but one Bulldog didn’t want the other one to hear it.

Maybe Jim Tressel was giving a speech on ethics or something. If that was the case, I would’ve covered somebody’s ears, too.

I’ve heard of sleepwalking, but…sleeptackling?

Impressive.

Here’s a helpful tip: if you’re getting a little tired later in the game, just hitch a ride with somebody else.

Photo of the Early Evening Football Practice Now: 11 August 2011

This year the locker room door has a new look designed to encourage full effort from the team.

Because I’m not on the team and thus not subject to the disapproval of the coaches — or at least not subject to the exhausting consequences of that disapproval — I’d be tempted to bring a box of all laundry detergent to give for Chelsea today.

In light of that, if the coaches weren’t already glad I’m neither athletic nor in high school, I’m sure they are now.

The receivers began evening practice with white-on-white violence. (It appears that the running backs were in this group, too, but for the sake of my laziness, let’s just call them all receivers for now.)

What? I meant white jerseys. What did you think I meant?

I suspect this drill had something to do with ball security, but I don’t actually know what it was about. For all I know it could have been about instilling a deep hatred for blue objects. That would be odd, though, since Chelsea’s home jerseys are blue. Is self-loathing a valid football strategy?

Actually, now that I look at the photos again, those shields are closer to Adrian’s blue than they are to Chelsea’s. Thanks to its unrelenting Adrian-ness, Adrian-loathing is fine by me.

Of course, since they’re (mostly) receivers, they also had to do a little bit of receiving. But since they didn’t benefit from Coach Moundros’ “Smile for the camera!” lesson, they had the audacity to keep their eyes on the ball while I was taking pictures.

Speaking of Coach Moundros: have you seen his website, happybald.com? If you haven’t, you should — especially if you’re proudly bald or reluctantly balding.

Okay, back to the catchy action.

Despite his intent concentration, this receiver took a moment to show me the size of the fish he caught just the other day.

Not to be outdone, the next receiver bragged about his more impressive fishing triumph.

Finally, one receiver demonstrated his superb levitation skills.

Is levitation against the rules of high school football? If not, there are going to be some shocked and awed defensive backs this year.

Meanwhile, the offensive linemen were making sure he didn’t levitate the turf along with the ball.

They were also taking out some anger on the poor defenseless blue shields.

If you gave that blue shield a university diploma and called it a therapist, I bet it could charge an absurd hourly rate and still be inundated with patients. “Tell me about your childhood.” THUMP. “And how does that make you feel?” THUMP. “Have you ever told your dad how you feel?” THUMP. “I feel we made real progress today. See you next week!” THUMP. (That last one was the door closing.)

Elsewhere, Jarred was explaining how many touchdowns he’d like to score against Novi in week 1.

That might be four, or it might be four and a half. Since three points is half of six, maybe he wants to score four touchdowns and kick a field goal.

Do you think you’re in pain? Oh, you don’t know pain until Tom…

…gives you a skeptical look and tells you a hangnail isn’t that big a deal, Low-Pain-Tolerance Lucy. (For the record, I don’t know what the player was actually telling Tom. I’m not accusing him of being a Wimpy Wanda. Or a Fearful Felicity. Or a Mousy Melinda. Or even a Cowering Clarissa.)

Dom was staring at the ball…

…but now he’s staring into your soul.

Does that make you uncomfortable? Well, that’s what you get for leaving your soul unlocked. You should be more cautious next time, Careless Carol.

Eventually the coaches began the board drill. No, a board drill isn’t a power drill designed to put holes in lumber. Okay, I guess it could be that. But in football, a board drill is when you line up two players across from each other and have them try to push and shove each other out of the county. (That may or may not be an exaggeration.) This is what it looks like:

The yellow pad underneath the players is the board. The whistle blows when one of the players pushes the other off the board. It might look like violent chaos — and, like the game of football, I suppose it is — but it’s a useful drill for the coaches.

Take a look at how intently Coach Bush is watching this battle.

Oh, but Coach Bush doesn’t have a monopoly on being intent. Look at Coach Lindauer!

The rest of the team gets into the drill, too. It’s set up as a battle between the offense (white jerseys) and the defense (Cerulean-American jerseys), and the players get vocal about it.

Photo of the Afternoon Football Practice Now: 11 August 2011

Chelsea football continued its preseason preparations. There was one thing that made this day notable: it was the first day of full-contact practice! There was violence…

…and the constant threat of violence…

…and more violence.

Coach Brown the Younger might have been working on defensive line spacing…

…or he might have been pushing the lineman aside to rush the passer himself.

Either way, the linemen got their own chances to rush the passer.

When the afternoon practice session wrapped up, Coach Bush told the team a bedtime story.

The story involved lots of pointing. Brady Hoke would be proud.

Before they took a break for dinner, the position coaches talked to the players. Coach Schumann talked to the quarterbacks, a position group that seems to have a hard time remembering the school colors. Hint: they’re not red and white.

Quarterbacks: can’t live with ’em, can’t feed ’em to Brian Urlacher.

This is Coach Schumann’s first year on the Chelsea football coaching staff, but it’s not his first experience with Chelsea football: he’s a CHS grad. He’s been coaching elsewhere for a while, but obviously the gravitational pull of Chelsea football was too great for him to resist. Welcome back, Coach Schumann!

Photo of the Demo Derby Car Paintin’ Now: 11 August 2011

If you’re at all familiar with the Chelsea Community Fair, you know two things:

1: It’s the single best event in Chelsea, and
2: It features a demolition derby, which is the single best event of the single best event in Chelsea.

If you’re not familiar with the concept of a demolition derby…I’m sorry. You’ve been deprived, and your life won’t be complete until you’re familiar with the wondrous fantasticality that is the demolition derby.

Just imagine a bunch of people bringing a bunch of old cars and gleefully smashing into each others’ cars until there’s only one vaguely functional car left. Got it? Good — now you know what a demolition derby is. It’s like rush hour on your favorite highway, except road rage isn’t a big deal. Why? Because instead of being penalized if you do run into somebody else, you get penalized if you don’t run into somebody else. It’s crazy, it’s loud, and it’s hilariously fun to watch.

If you’re a sophisticated big city fancy-pants you might think the notion of a demolition derby is ridiculous, but that’s okay: if you’re a sophisticated big city fancy-pants, I probably think you’re ridiculous. If you can’t enjoy the awesomeness of grown-up bumper cars, then you don’t know how to have fun.

Anyway: derby cars are sponsored by a wide variety of local businesses and organizations. (The most appropriate sponsors are chiropractors and auto parts stores.) This year the Chelsea Library decided to sponsor a car, maybe in an effort to get kids to collide with reading or something. Even better, the library decided to park the car on its front lawn and invite local kids to paint the car.

The library supplied the paint and the brushes. All the kids had to do was show up and have fun.

As you can see, they had plenty of fun.

The great thing about a derby car is that it doesn’t need to look pretty. Wait, let me rephrase: it really shouldn’t look pretty, because it’s just going to get destroyed in the derby. That’s what makes it such a great art project for kids.

The car’s driver, local resident and demolition derby veteran Kim Potocki, was on hand to watch the kids’ progress.

Well, at that moment she was looking at the camera. But the rest of the time she was watching the kids paint the car.

I think the car was a lawn ornament every bit as dignified as the library itself.

Don’t you agree?

One wise parent brought an apron.

The rest of the kids just made a mess without aprons.

The interior of a derby car is…well, let’s just say it’s not built for comfort. Instead, it’s built for not dying.

You can’t see it in that photo, but the gas tank is sitting where the back seat used to be.

At the end of the allotted time, the car’s soon-to-be-rumpled exterior had few bare spots left.

Some kids got creative and splattered paint on the car…

…and some even signed their names or left their handprints. (Those handprints could be trouble if Horatio Caine gets his hands on the car.)

If you’d like to come check out the Chelsea demolition derby, it’ll happen at 7:30pm on Tuesday and Wednesday, August 23 and 24. The whole fair is a great event, so I’d recommend arriving early enough to walk around the rest of the fair.

Photo of the Football Practice Now: 10 August 2011

It’s August. Do you remember what happens in August?

FOOTBALL. FOOTBALL HAPPENS IN AUGUST. I know the all-caps seem a bit excessive, but football is exciting. It’s so exciting that I happily photograph practices. That’s not sarcasm or snark; that’s just the truth. FOOTBALL IS EXCITING.

If you don’t believe me, take at a look: even the players were jumping for joy.

What? Those were defensive backs working on their pass defense skills? A minor technicality. Move on, quibbler.

An important part of early football practices is teaching players to forget some of the things they learned in kindergarten. Most notably, the defensive players have to forget how to share. This tends to be an easy lesson.

Coach Moundros also had some important lessons for the defensive backs:


“And remember: when you make a play, be sure to smile for the camera over there.”

Dom was a quick study.


“Just one fist bump? Please?”

If you still don’t believe me when I say football is exciting — what on earth is wrong with you?! — maybe Coach Fanning’s jazz hands will convince you.

Did you think that was funny? I hope so, because Coach Fanning certainly did.

What? He wasn’t laughing about that? Again, a minor technicality. Move on, quibbler.

If you started reading this blog after last football season, you might not be familiar with the Chelsea High School football coaching staff. You’ve already seen most of them in this year’s practice photos, but there’s one notable gentleman you haven’t yet seen this year.

The blue-shirted gentleman in that photo — and the next two photos — is Coach Lindauer. He also happens to be the mayor of the city of Chelsea. Double the authority? Double the fun!

Here, Coach Lindauer shows an offensive lineman how to work with the city council:

I don’t recall exactly what he was saying, but I’m guessing it had something to do with leverage and proper use of the hands. That’s applicable to politics, right?

One other coach you haven’t yet met on the blog this year is the man in charge: Coach Bush.

If you’re too sweaty and you need a shower, Coach Bush isn’t afraid to let you know.

Coach Taylor believes in the transformative power of orange cones:

It’s been said that the eyes are the window to the soul, but…

…in the case of Coach Brown the Younger, the eyes are the mirror back to your own eyes.

Coach Dignan and Coach Brown the Elder spent some time with the starting quarterback:

What’s the problem? It has a ridiculously strong, consistent and accurate arm, and it’s mobile! Isn’t that what you want in a quarterback these days?

Another important part of the preseason is teaching the players how to properly wear a helmet. Here’s a hint: this is not how to properly wear a helmet.

In order to form a more perfect pass rush, the defensive linemen began training to become ninjas.

Feel free to insert your own sound effects.

Though I have no idea what it has to do with football, in this photo it appears the defensive linemen are trying to learn how to take an offensive lineman’s pulse, too. Progress is slow, though, because they’re having trouble locating the wrist.

Of course, an actual real not-humorous part of preseason practice is learning the playbook. Here, Coach Taylor holds up a play for the offense to run.

I know what you’re thinking: “Where’s the play? Is that the play called Jazz, where everybody just improvises something?” While that would be cool in a totally disastrous way, that’s not the case. There was a real play diagrammed on the sheet, but its identity has been hidden for its own protection. So, if you’re from Dexter and you’re here hoping to get an edge by learning one of Chelsea’s plays, I’m sorry I didn’t help you.

Wait…no I’m not. I’ll never even try to pretend to be impartial when it comes to Chelsea football. The day I help Dexter football against Chelsea is the day that won’t ever exist in this universe.