Freshmen: d. Dexter 43-22
JV: d. Dexter 28-10

Varsity 2008 record: 5-1 (3-1 SEC)

Dexter’s role in Chelsea’s football rivalry list is simple to define:

If:
Saline : Chelsea :: Ohio State : Michigan
Then:
Dexter : Chelsea :: Michigan State : Michigan

In other words, Chelsea wins a lot of football games, and Dexter wins things that aren’t football games and thus are hollow victories filled with the whipped cream of frustration (which, of course, is far inferior to the custard of fulfillment).  But despite the Bulldogs’ twelve-game winning streak and Dexter’s moribund 2008 record, Chelsea had only to remember the two prior games against Dexter — a terrifying last-minute come-from-behind win in 2006 and a close but somewhat less terrifying victory in 2008 — to avoid any fatally casual assumptions of victory in 2008.  (The memory of that Saline debacle a few weeks ago probably helps with motivation, too.  Who wants to see that again?  Only people who kick puppies, that’s who.)

Dexter won the toss and elected to kick, and a few seconds into the game, Chelsea fans thought they had reason to be nervous: the kick hit the ground in front of Nick Hill and bounced through his legs down inside the 10 yard line.  Hill, of course, was compelled to pick up the ball, but he did so with a Dexter defender closing in fast, and it looked like the Chelsea offense was going to have plenty of ground to cover.  But with a quick spritz of Eau de See You Later and a few helpful blocks along the way, Hill eluded not just the first defender but also the other ten defenders, and 92 yards later, the Dreadnaughts were trying to figure out how they got to be on the wrong end of a 7-0 score.  (The short answer: Nick Hill.  No, I’m not saying he’s short; I’m just … oh, never mind.)

Jake Mantel enjoys blocked field goals and long walks into the end zone.

Clearly, Dexter fears Colton Waterbury.

You want to try to go through Riley Feeney?  Well … it’s your funeral.

The Dexter offense searched for an answer to that question, but all it found was a loss of three yards and a three and out; Chelsea took possession on the happy side of the 50 and quickly moved inside the Dexter 10 thanks to an all-Michael 34-yard pass (Roberts to Lenneman).  Roberts also threw a touchdown pass to Brett Everding on fourth and goal, but a penalty erased that play and moved the Bulldogs back to the 10; another penalty moved them back to the 15, and they lined up for a field goal.  The field goal was blocked, but Jake Mantel picked up the ball and ran it into the end zone; after a brief conference (during which they were serenaded by accurate advice from Chelsea coach Brad Bush), the officials correctly called it a touchdown: since the ball stayed behind the line of scrimmage, it could be advanced by the kicking team.  The extra point failed, but Chelsea was up 13-0, and everything seemed to be going the Bulldogs’ way.

Another three and out again handed Chelsea excellent field position, but Dexter sacked Roberts and forced a fumble; however, for the third time in three possessions, all the Dreadnaughts could do was go three and out.  Also for the third consecutive possession, Chelsea started in Dexter territory, and the offense again took full advantage of its field position; a few plays later, a 1-yard Hill touchdown run pushed Chelsea’s lead to 20.  Thanks to a fumble on the kickoff return, Dexter’s offense didn’t even get a chance to get started, and Chelsea had one of the shortest fields in the history of short fields: the Bulldogs recovered the ball at the Dexter 2.  Hill took the two-yard journey on the next play, and Chelsea had its fourth touchdown of the first quarter.

Don’t worry; that’s Steven O’Keefe’s helmet coming off, not his head.

“Nick, I said ‘Touchdowns score six,’ not ‘Score six touchdowns.'”

He’s sorry; Nick isn’t available at this time.  But he’d be happy to take a message.

The Dreadnaughts finally gained a first down late in the first quarter, and they followed that up with another first down at the beginning of the second quarter.  But all those warm fuzzies disappeared when Dexter fumbled the ball way, way back and Chelsea way, way recovered. Randy Cox came in at quarterback and declared it the Official Drive of Brett Everding; the drive lasted two plays, both of which were passes to Everding and the second of which ended up in the end zone.  Another Dexter three and out led to a Cox touchdown pass to Mantel — he of blocked field goal touchdown fame — and with just over two minutes to go in the first half, Chelsea led 40-0.  Dexter’s last possession of the first half produced only a punt, but it did accomplish something: for the first time in the game, Chelsea started a drive in its own territory; the half ended before the Bulldogs could score, but … well, it’s not like they needed the points, right?

Arm tackles: failing to bring down Nick Hill since 2006.

Steven O’Keefe was voted Most Likely To Be Pursued By The Entire Town Of Dexter.

To start the second half, Dexter completed only one pass on its opening drive; however, that pass went for 73 yards, which just so happened to be the distance to the end zone.  The two-point conversion failed, but the quick touchdown narrowed the gap to 34; this meant that a mere 48 seconds after the running clock started, it stopped.  Chelsea quickly responded by fumbling the ball away on its first offensive play of the second half (hey, not every response is a good one); however, a quick four and out meant Dexter didn’t make the Bulldogs pay for that mistake. But Chelsea didn’t make Dexter pay for not making Chelsea pay, and after a 0-yard punt (yes, that’s zero), Dexter took over on the Chelsea 45.  This time, Dexter did make Chelsea pay for not making Dexter pay for not making Chelsea pay for not making Dexter pay: the Dreadnaughts again put the ball in the air on first down, and again, it didn’t hit the ground until after the receiver crossed the goal line.  The two-point conversion failed, but Chelsea’s lead was down to 28.

Tom LaFleur runs a diagnostic check on Bionic Coburn.

No, Jeff Minzey doesn’t have time to sign autographs right now.

Bush, apparently noticing that Dexter wasn’t being a cooperative victim, sent out his first-team offense to set things right, and Steven O’Keefe capped a 77-yard drive with a 7-yard touchdown run to bring Chelsea’s lead back to 35; Dexter quickly drove into Chelsea territory on its next drive, but a fumble brought that insurrection to a halt, and that was the last time the Dreadnaughts threatened to alter the scoreboard.  The Bulldog offense didn’t score again, but it held onto the ball long enough — nine and a half minutes, aided by the running clock — to make Dexter’s final possession effectively irrelevant; the Dreadnaughts traveled 46 yards but gained nothing, and when Dexter turned over the ball with only 16 seconds left, Chelsea had only to watch the clock run down to zero to seal a 47-12 victory.

Leftovers:

• I hinted at it in the recap, but it’s worth spelling out: Chelsea’s first six drives started in Dexter territory, and the Chelsea offense didn’t take a snap in its own territory until late in the second quarter.  (Actually, nobody took a snap in Chelsea territory until Dexter crossed midfield early in the second quarter.)  Thanks to that, Chelsea’s average starting position was its own 49.
• Michael Roberts was a perfect 5 for 5 passing for 109 yards.  Oh, and Randy Cox was 6 for 6 for 98 yards.  Also, Dakota Cooley was 4 for 4 for 35 yards.  That’s right: Chelsea’s three quarterbacks were a perfect 15 for 15.

Next Week:
Chelsea faces the Maples of Adrian; the game is on Friday in Adrian at 7:00.

Freshmen: d. Lincoln 33-12
JV: d. Lincoln 67-0

Varsity 2008 record: 3-1 (2-1 SEC)

After the Series of Unfortunate Events that was Chelsea’s week three game against Saline, the Bulldogs came into week four looking to put that chapter of the season to rest.  And when I say “put that chapter of the season to rest,” I mean “utilize the anger-management methods of B.A. Baracus and the Incredible Hulk on a hapless opponent.”  There were no happy faces after the astonishingly lopsided loss to Saline, and nobody — not even Lemony Snicket — wanted to see that happen again.  Ever.  Ever ever.  However, despite Chelsea’s immense motivation, there was still an obstacle standing between the Bulldogs and the soothing salve of victory: the Lincoln Railsplitters.

Here in Chelsea, we like our pylons big and our football players bigger.

We are the knights who say knee (injury)!

It was a banner day for Corey Mantel.

There have been many years in which the Railsplitters couldn’t be considered any sort of obstacle — the woes of the Lincoln football program were detailed in this space last year — but 2008 presented a very good reason not to overlook Lincoln, and that reason was named Andrew Dillon.  In Lincoln’s 2007 game against Chelsea, Dillon showed a disconcerting amount of ability to get all Donovan McNabby on a defense (and if there’s anything that can give heartburn to a Michigan fan, it’s the thought of McNabb at Syracuse).  My trepidation level for this year’s game against Lincoln only increased when the Railsplitters opened the season by demolishing Tecumseh — giving Lincoln its first football victory in nearly four years — and, two weeks later, were within one point of the Pioneering Pioneers of Pioneer in the fourth quarter; suddenly, with Dillon’s eleventy billion yards and eighty hundred touchdowns giving the Railsplitters new hope, this, it seemed, was not your older brother’s Lincoln.

Modern conventional football wisdom says that if given the opportunity, most teams not named the Texas Tech Red Raiders — I think they actually do gain eleventy billion yards each game — should choose to kick the ball to start the game; however, in a bold declaration of an intent to score points like dead Chicago residents used to vote — early and often — Chelsea chose to receive the opening kickoff.  That bold intent had to wait, though, as Chelsea managed to gain two first downs but couldn’t convert a fourth down inside Lincoln’s 30; the Railsplitters took possession and, to the dismay of the defense, began to move the ball with surprising efficiency.  But they, too, failed to convert a fourth down, and a once-promising drive ended with no points.

Somebody must have planted cheerleader seeds.

You can look, but you can’t touch.

Well, at least he got the pass away.

Chelsea’s next drive was an episode of the hit show Nick Hill & Friends, as Hill carried the ball on every play of the three-play drive; he used a 30-yard touchdown run to finish what he started, and Chelsea took a 7-0 lead.  On its possession, Lincoln proceeded to lose 14 yards before punting, and Chelsea responded with another quick three-play drive; this time, Brett Everding took a Michael Roberts pass 50 yards to the end zone, and the Cook County voting was on like Donkey Kong (who probably was registered to vote in Cook County at some point).

At the start of the second quarter, the Lincoln offense showed slight improvement by gaining a first down; however, that improvement disappeared when it started moving backwards and ended up with a net negative of four yards on the drive.  A Lincoln unsportsmanlike conduct penalty after the punt gave Chelsea the ball inside the Lincoln 30, and the general assumption was that Chelsea would score in short order; however, that assumption wasn’t a four-star general, and Chelsea came away empty-handed thanks to a lost fumble.

I would say Lincoln averted disaster with that fumble recovery, but … well, given the remarkably severe struggles of the Railsplitter offense, averting disaster probably wasn’t an option anymore; the best remaining option was probably a call to FEMA.  This was confirmed when, on an already dire third and long situation, Lincoln lost another 22 yards, setting up a punt on fourth and 33 from its own nine yard line.  Hill called for a fair catch at the Lincoln 42, and after an unusually long drive — four plays this time — Hill took it in for his second touchdown, and Chelsea was cruising with a 21-0 lead.

Strangers in the night … exchanging glances … while one is on his way to the end zone …

“No, coach, I won’t penalize them for unsportsmanlike fashion.”

The Hulkster thinks that was a penalty, brother.

The Lincoln offense continued its tepid ways with another short drive consisting of one first down and a punt, and the Chelsea offense continued its impatient ways with its shortest drive of the game: on the first play of the drive, Everding caught a Roberts pass and took it 40 yards for his second touchdown of the game.  In the last four and a half minutes of the first half, Lincoln had two possessions and Chelsea had one; however, neither offense produced points — though Roberts did launch a 57-yard punt under pressure — and the first half ended with Chelsea holding a 28-0 lead.

Because of Chelsea’s bold declaration at the beginning of the game, Lincoln got the ball to start the second half, and the inevitable happened: Dillon started throwing the ball all over the field, and his receivers started catching it all over the field.  All of a sudden, Lincoln was moving the ball, and it looked like the Bulldogs might have to work a bit more in the second half than they had in the first.  But a sack helped bring the drive to an end, and at the end of yet another three-play drive, Hill took the ball for a 35-yard ride into the end zone for his third touchdown of the day and a 35-0 Chelsea lead.

Is Riley Feeney’s right shoulder really detachable?  That could be useful.

Jake Powell’s looking at you, kid.

This little piggy went to market…

Though there were nearly 19 minutes left to play, the game was effectively out of hand; Chelsea’s five scoring drives had averaged just under three plays per drive, so maintaining a comfortable lead wouldn’t be a problem for the Bulldogs.  But Lincoln still had life left, and the Railsplitter offense proved as much by putting together an 80-yard scoring drive — built on Dillon’s 4-for-4 passing performance — and with a successful two-point conversion, Lincoln narrowed Chelsea’s lead to 35-8.

Chelsea’s second-team offense took the field and proceeded to drive into Lincoln territory with little difficulty; however, one minute into the fourth quarter, the offense fumbled the ball away.  But whatever offensive magic Lincoln had used over the last two drives was long gone, and the Chelsea defense forced Lincoln into a three and out.  The Railsplitters lined up to punt, but the Chelsea defense, in a fit of mischief, broke through the line and blocked Dillon’s punt, and Chelsea took over on the Lincoln 15.  And can you guess how many plays it took Chelsea to score?  That’s right: yet again, it took three plays, the last of which was a Jake Powell three-yard touchdown run.

Wait … are you telling me they’re not high school football players?

Life didn’t get any better for Lincoln, as the Railsplitters fumbled the ball on the first play of their drive; however, Chelsea went four and out and gave the ball right back.  Lincoln started to move the ball again, but the drive stalled at the Chelsea 25, and the Bulldogs took over with three and a half minutes to play; three first downs later, the clock was all zeros, and Chelsea had a 42-8 victory.

Leftovers:

• Dillon had a rough evening; he finished with 181 yards passing, but those came in fits and starts, and he also finished with with a frigid rushing total of 56 below zero.
• If you think all Brett Everding did was catch touchdown passes, you’re right: he had two catches for 90 yards and two touchdowns.
• Nick Hill, apparently determined to make up for lost time, contributed 145 yards and 3 touchdowns.
• Speaking of making up for lost time: Scott Rhodes had six solo tackles against Lincoln; that brings his three-game total to 13 solo tackles and 4 assisted tackles.
• None of Chelsea’s six scoring drives took more than four plays, and none was longer than 1:05.
• As shown in the picture at the beginning of this recap, the players wrote “R.I.P. 65” on their eye black stickers as a tribute to Ben Rodgers, a former Bulldog who was recently killed in a car accident.

Next week:
Chelsea faces the Dreadnaughts of Dexter; the game is in Chelsea on Friday at 7:00.  You don’t really want to miss a Chelsea/Dexter game, do you?  No, I didn’t think so.